Confessions.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:31pm
Thread Topic: Confessions.
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I don't know whether my friends all replace me or if I just gradually lose my grasp on consciousness and float away from them myself.
I love being in control.
I'm currently questioning my sexuality.
I've compromised my own beliefs to appease my family on more than one occasion.
I've kept quiet while my friends did terrible things for lack of any way to contradict them without starting a fight and inevitably losing them.
When I was around eight years old, a boy somewhere between 13 and 15 told me I could be his girlfriend, got me alone, and convinced me to give him head.
I don't think I've believed anyone actually cares about me for the last year or two at least. There are no exceptions to this. I don't have a single friend or family member online or off that I believe would really be impacted if I were to die.
For the past couple of months, anytime I get overly upset, I get a twinge in a random part of my body, usually a bone, that compels me to break it. Its a really weird sensation that its wrong because its not broken. I've tried to quell this feeling by moving the parts that need to break, but it seems like Ill go insane unless something puts up resistance and then snaps and hurts.
I still wonder if I'm actually sad or ever really feel anything at all. I cant tell whether I feel anything or it I'm forcing myself. It all feels increasingly artificial.
I am consciously aware of myself pushing friends away and drifting off and I refuse to do s--- about it because its easier than communicating and dealing with my own guilt and the additional problems they give me.
I don't let anyone ask me how I am anymore because I know none of them give a s--- and that if I tell them the truth, they'll only bother to ask about it because they feel obligated to. None of you know how extensive the damage is because I really don't want to bore you.
I've wanted to leave all of my friends and be by myself for a really long time, but I'm also terrified of being alone.
I wasn't planning on coming back to this website ever again the last time I left.
I still spend 90% of my waking time in my head and I get anxious and start to feel trapped if I'm made to concentrate on anything external for more than a few moments.
I've tried to starve myself to death a few times.
I want to live alone so I can lie down on a tile floor and stay there and cry for hours on end without worrying about inconveniencing or annoying anyone. Every time I've imagined myself living independently, the only image I can think of is me sobbing and probably in terrible pain on the floor in the dark with no one being any the wiser. -
I feel bad half the time I go off on people here but I don't say sorry because I don't want to be seen backing down. I never believe I'm wrong, but I know I'm too mean in defending my side.
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I try and trick myself into thinking I care about some people more than I do because I really want to, but in the end, there's a very small number of people I genuinely care about. Most are just around, people to chat with for a little while.
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Maru cakes. Please don't feel like nobody cares, because I do. You're the wisest person I know, online and in real life. (Well, we've never had in-person contact, but I can tell that you're more mature and intellectual than any of the people I have had in-person contact with.)
I sometimes feel the same way. Your feelings are shared. I'm independent, although I don't always like being left alone in a situation.
I love hearing your feelings. I want to know what you really feel so that I can help you. I've just never asked because you told me not to. You're my Maru cakes. You're my non-blood older sister. And I'm your little Pumpkin pie. Whenever you have something true to say, I would like you to say it. Even if it's negative. Even if it's pointed in my direction.
I love you. I care about you. And whenever you get upset, it puts me in a bad mood, because you're such a strong figure in my life. Although I can't control your emotions, please don't feel like nobody will ever be there for you. You have some of my contact information, and we can talk whenever you want to. (But I won't lie, on Mondays-Thursdays and Sundays, we can talk around 4:30-10:00, and on Fridays and Saturdays, as long as you'd like.) -
I appreciate you saying that, pumpkin, I do, but I can't change it. I can't believe it no matter how hard I try.
It's very confusing.
I can't do that.
Thank you, but please don't be affected by how I feel. It won't do you any good. -
I'm sorry if you're feeling like this because of me. I feel like sometimes I cause pain to you and I feel awful because of that.
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I'm naturally negative. Most feelings and thoughts I have are negative. I have some good days, and I cherish them because it's an incredibly foreign feeling to me, being happy for a little while and not having that weight in my chest. The feelings I have are hard for me to put into words. It's like a constant desire to be drowning in warm water. I want to be stuck someplace I won't hear or see anyone or anything else. I'm scared of dying, so I'd like to just disregard the world around me and live in my head. Unfortunately, the world is always pushing me to move forward. I can't drop off the face of the earth. I have to go to school, I have to get a job so I can pay for food, I've got to keep moving and I hate it. I don't want to see the rest of the world. I just want to hide.
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*No, it's not because of you. You haven't caused me any pain. Please don't worry.
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Like your natural negativity, it's natural for me to always worry to the point of panic around people I care about the most.
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Please don't.
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I see my friends talk about how sad they are sometimes, and while I'll indulge myself to worry and pray someone will go talk to them, I avoid it myself because I can't handle it.
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I need someone to tell me how I'm feeling or why I'm doing something because I don't understand my own motivations.
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I'm sorry, then. If you do need someone to ask how you're feeling, I can be that person. I'll stay and I'll listen.
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I really don't want you to. I'd still prefer that you not ask how I am at any given point.
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Understood. I'll leave you at peace if that's all you want from me for now.
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