Cludo fores et fenestras
- Locked due to inactivity on Sep 29, '23 3:54am
Thread Topic: Cludo fores et fenestras
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[Caption note: people and places will be renamed]
Day 1
1st day of a journy to take back my life. Stare myself in the face. Roughly 7 years spent in a haze. The liver is still dying though and always will be because life without coffee is a life not worth living. In fact being able to drink such substance gives life a little bit more substance. If not coffee, tea or even an energy drink and when I pass, bury me in it.
Work has been hell, don't necessarily enjoy getting paid to be a Narc but money is money. 3 years ago it was picking up trash.
Now its watching the homeless pass by during the night. Doesn't get more depressing than that now does it?
It's also been 3 years sense I've seen my any relatives. Alcoholism does that to family I guess. Although to many it looks like I did it out of love for some guy. That guy seems to blame himself for my actions as well. Wish he didn't.
I made the choice out of complete free will just like the fact that I'm writing this out of free will and there is no need to get Philosophical about this. I made my choices. I made my bed and now i must continue to lie in it.
Im supposed to write something positive at the end of this post. I like the mountain I get see in the horizon every morning I guess. Even though, I may not be seeing it much longer. I don't know were I'm gonna be going, but im going somewhere far away from here.. soon.. again..
Honestly, for the first time. I'm terrified and don't have a life plan. Unsa lied to me and I can't even break up with them and again I feel in love with someone who is not all "there".
I guess the most positive thing I can say is that right now at least im alive and have a roof over my head. For now. -
Honestly though, I miss being a stupid child that thought they knew everything. At the same time though this "likely" truth I was exposed to over the last year or so has taught me just how meaningless politics really are.
If there's no "Grand plan" then why are we still ruled by dogmatism? Even most atheists still unknowingly live in accordance at some level to dogma or illusion. Even money itself isn't real. It's only real because everyone agrees that its real that it exists but it doesn't.
Even more so, as a sole one person seperated from barely any sliver of a thing called family. Most attacks are families against families. It always has been. What should be the most important thing in this day and age? should it be perhaps the overall intelligence and unity of a family? The failure lies in the family being poisoned by political Manipulation and substance. -
Day 2
Tonight is rather obnoxious, my heads not all there and people are needlessly burning rubber against the brand new pavement that was laid not long ago. At least im not sweating under the sun though, right? I hope this is the last of the heat here. It shouldn't be so hot in these parts. We also need rain. I want to be able to sit down on the balcony by the rain and just.. meditate..
5 to 7 minutes is all I need. Close my eyes and sit still. I used to be good at it as a kid in summer camp. I miss the rain, it feels like its been months and honestly? it probably has been even though I'm not counting.
I've been slacking on my books. Three hundred seventy "New Stories" with lost motivation and a delicious side of Existential Dread. Not depressed, just Tired and terrified of death because I mean, what logical atheist/agnostic person isn't.
Personally I would take the pill of immortality Because I want to see humanity's end. Would we go out in some big war? Would we get enslaved by ai (unrealistic I know)? Would we die to a pandemic? Who knows, yet I want to know. Out of some weird messed up morbid curiosity I want to know if humanity is smart enough to make it to the natural end. -
I`ve istened to a lot of the Lex Friedman podcast lately. I can thank Kanye's likely "low mental health" for showing up on his show. Half of the time when I listen to Lex they talk about things that seem way beyond my expertise. Things like neuroscience and quantum physics.
At the same time though I should spend more time actually listening to the words of wisdom they carry. Even though sometimes the guests on the show sometimes are kinda out there people. I still think everyone one that show has had something of value to say. -
Heard Pence is running for president next term. Now that's something for the American people to worry about. A man who says America is not their problem. If Obama was the blue war starter then Pence is possibly going to be the red one. The next few years are going to be more of a Suspense than the biggest horror movie.
As long as I have my tea I'll be fine Im sure. -
Day 3
Had some sleep terrors that I can't recall yesterday. Disappointed I couldn't write it down. Another miss chance at what I could have learned. Thats what I see, every nightmare is a lesson in what you fear. Something broke in me after Unsa messed with my heart, it left me feeling a bit Phobphilic lately and I hate it. Like I can not establish new connections properly either. Multiple times I've joined these new "circles" and try to vibe to end up leaving with feeling that nothing was gained.
A feeling I guess I'm way too familiar with. The only thing I do seem to gain (slowly that is) is money. Sweet sweet money will save me from hell but not give me happiness. I don't want sympathy, I want answers, truth and a solid plan forward that doesn't involve lies and schizophrenics.
Man at this rate I could write a 12 song album describing this moment in my life. Some sort of quarter life crisis. -
Day 7
Skipped the thoughts for the weekend, nothing special happened anyway aside from the nightmares I don't remember and my day yesterday consisted of playing some clicker game for 3 hours straight and pulling an all dayer.
Played a little No Mans Sky too and found a planet that had a water to land ratio similar to earth, beautiful place with an orange horizon that was a warm resting 74 F and then 250 F storms every 5 minutes and the coast was gorgeous and I had never built a shelter faster in my life, the storms would last for what felt like forever and when I looked up I saw other planets dotting the sky. Twas such a anomaly that I honestly wouldn't mind living on. A Lost little blue planet amongst two others in a solar system with an illusion of two Suns. Azure Storms they called the weather anomaly.
But enough of interstellar tales, tonight I saw some arson. The most beautiful crime even though its only commited by people that hold no respect for the flame. I don't even know what goes through those types of criminals head when they do so. Fire is prettier and holier in a controlled environment.
What a bloody Sunday its been. If not in church you're sleeping in so you dont have to ponder the meaning of life. In that sense Sunday by all means is kinda a stupid day of the week. Petition to replace sunday with another Saturday? Call it the Second Saturday? Sounds like a movie title honestly.
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