losing my mind
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 23, '23 3:54am
Thread Topic: losing my mind
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woke up early lets see how today goes
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school was good and smooth
but also after kinda sucked and i now have to shut up and hide my thoughts and mask my feelings just so theyre happy. and i was crying really bad but my mom came in and asked me to take out the dog in pjs and chanclas. well i take pup out and some guy starts yelling at me from across the street trying to cross. he just wanted me to stay there. so ofc i picked up the pace and circled the few houses into my house, but the pup can get scared and not want to walk. she got scared and i had to drag her along bc i havent eaten today and i couldnt carry her. i got inside and locked both locks but i just want to be able to feel safe or be comfortable to be myself. i just dont see those being a reality anymore. -
i need motherf---ing cigarettes. now.
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god everything is just so s---ty today
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Id get into a fist fight to the death right now just for a pack of cigarettes
i really need f---ing cigarettes -
i had a really bad manic episode yesterday and it took me an hour to make quesadillas because i had to slice the cheese by hand and also i couldnt sit still and kept playing with the knife and doing other stuff
just to be told that they dont want to hear about it -
got 2 laptops to sell which i then need to save the money and not spend it all immediately on booze and smokes
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i will literally sell my brothers cat just so i can buy smokes
f---
i hate everything about myself right now -
i remember when i first joined. i used to go in everyones threads not give a f---. There was a lot of us newbies back then, and we got along pretty well. people used to come into my thread all the time to say hello or drum up conversation. now its so barren. All i see is myself and my failures. Rantings and observations. ramblings of a mad woman. as alone as I am, it is farmiliar. Part of me knows im incapable of holding a meaningful or long lasting relationship with anyone. Which means that im going to die alone. And I always knew that but realizing what it means? As alone as I feel right now I've still got school. social interaction. When I'm an old woman ill have nothing. Maybe thats why I act the way I do. Im terrified of growing old because im terrified of doing it alone. I would much rather spend my short life numbing the feeling with poor decisions and substance abuse. Hence the cigarettes. I don't give a f--- that theyre terrible, i dont plan to live long enough to experience the downsides. I always knew that death was imminent but these past few years its been feeling like I can die at any moment. I cant be happy or satisfied or sober because it just doesnt happen. but I am ready for death and even welcom it with open arms.
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s--- im so scared idk whats going to happen and what if i actually do go that would really f--- things up
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aggressive breakdown
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why did i shave that its so weird f--- is this the mania
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f--- f--- f--- coffee keep me up
i want motherf---ing cigarettes and a bath
s--- -
okay gonna play some playstation then head over
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might not have to babysit someone elses kids
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