butt baby
- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 23, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: butt baby
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I just feel so empty when I have nothing to do, but I can't think of anything I can do that'd make me feel less empty.
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I need something I can feel I have to wake up to
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I miss Ethan for that reason.
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I obviously can't have a kid on my own, so I need something else
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Ethan came over! Speak of the little devil
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Hm, idk what to do rn
I kinda don't want to leave my room with the AC tho -
I'm not going this time bc my therapist told me not to, so I'm kinda proud that I stuck with the plan.
Although I don't know what to do about the beach, it would be my only other chance to go. -
I feel like this beach thing is like, the universe testing me. It's hard to explain. I love the beach, it's my favorite place on the planet. But I'm supposed to stay away from mom this weekend, and I'd have to go with her. And she's already texting me about hoping I go, and saying stuff like "I hope you're not mad at me". It makes me feel guilty.
So, I feel it's a test, maybe of my will? To see if I can truly do this. It's my first time saying "no" to my mom in a long time. Although, I did tell her I was sick.
But it's a step in the right direction, even if I kinda lied. I mean, baby steps. I feel I have to stay strong to prove to myself that I can learn to say no and put my needs first. I know deep down, declining will feel better. It feels like everything is pushing me to say yes. So, I have to be brave and say no. -
But I don't know if I am brave enough yet. I always feel so small when I'm with her. And I don't know if I can actually say it. I might lose my ability to speak in the moment.
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So I declined the beach, but something amazing is happening tomorrow. I get to meet my bio dad! It feels like a dream, really. I might meet my grandpa too! I also learned I have two step brothers!
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Today has been the embodiment of a perfect day ☺
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Today isn't bad, but it can't beat yesterday
I don't really know what to do as of rn, so I'm just listening to music -
I've been watching a lot of TV
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Although I don't do that alone, I can't really do much alone. The only thing I really do alone is sleep but it usually takes a while. I always get scared that my mind won't let me do the thing at hand, and I'll end up having a panic attack or get really worked up
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If I'm feeling okay, it's like my brain doesn't know what to do. Like it's too much for my brain to feel okay. So it has to "correct" itself and make me feel sad or anxious or whatever to bring Pag back.
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