The actual official thread now
- Locked due to inactivity on Jul 12, '21 3:54am
Thread Topic: The actual official thread now
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Nightshift today whew!
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Damn sneezing
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Incredible exhaustion folks
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Abcdefg get the f--- away from me
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I feel ill again
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Oh wait 3 hrs of sleep... ok
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I feel kinda bad for not being there for some of my buds lately, but they should know I rlly do care
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PS
Note that I said "some" -
Argh
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I want to go
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Been 1 week now with my pop gone, cant say I miss him more than I should
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I miss no one. How can I? Theres deeper woes in my soul. Not sorry to say, I can go the rest of my life not seeing him anymore anyway. Itd a lost cause. Hes gone. So am I.
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Nitro bud, just know that Im also going thru that irritating need to cry urge and whatever feeling I can possibly feel has turned into an undesirable one, and feeling "nothing" has been the only immediate pleasure I feel, ever since maybe 3 months ago. It went away for a while then it returned maybe a couple weeks ago. And man, its beating me up. Earlier today I was slowly feeling ok, then all of a sudden I wanted to hide or run away or be someone else. Most of all i wanted nothing to be around, not even me myself. I had this urge to stop time, stop reality, stop life. As though it were dependent on me. I know its not, but I just cant get rid of these chemical changes in my brain. Theres no help out there that can better atone for my setbacks than my own willpower. Wish I had enough but my will is dazed in the smoke and my power has run out of fuel- understandably then, the two cant join together, so Im left with an isolated gap
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2 days ago I finally got to be outside just enjoying nature for 1-2 hrs, and it was the first time in yrs that I felt like myself again. At first I didnt enjoy it much cuz my brain and body kept nipping at me to avoid happiness. Then I suddenly got stuck in the moment and every thought escaped and turned into the wind, water, trees and sky, and I realized just then, all these things in nature dont contain thoughts of their own, they are in themselves. I talked to an old friend later that day and I can almost swear just seeing them made my soul bright, and it stayed that way for several hours afterwards. Of course my soul slowly turned black and marred again as I stepped back into what is killing me inside, conjuring up all my past and imagined futures. A place that isnt a home. But I decided to hold onto that day, and its right here in my pocket as I speak, there to keep me grounded in what Ive been searching for all this time, ever since it ran away from me.
Even so.. its in the same exact spot as it started in. Seems to me Ive been running, running, running, too fast I cant feel my own legs anymore. Is what ive been searching for, searching for me instead? Where did I run off to? Am I still running?
How can a desire have aims and wishes like a human? Is that desire me? -
All I know right now is that the "me" Im searching for cant be found, because I will always be running
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