meh
- Locked due to inactivity on Nov 23, '18 3:54am
Thread Topic: meh
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hkgteee NewbieI feel like a fake, a fraud, like a parasite who feeds off others and stealing what they are to fit in and succeed. I'm frankly a copycat, nothing about me is original, just a series of increasingly obscure references. If not to the people who I see in movies or read of in books then it is to people I have met before. Over time I just steal aspects about them, how they talked, how they moved, even what they strived to achieve. Nothing I say is original, nothing I say is mine. I used to not do this, I used to be a wee c--- who could barely hold a conversation, and this is how I conformed to not be hated. But damnit, I had an imagination and hopes when I was that wee cnt which were almost certainly original. Many were impossible, some were vile, but they were mine and not someone elses.
Perhaps I'm just a little late to my teenage emo phase. I never really had time to have it, I was busy working towards goals which feel far less filling than I thought they would be. I'm done with the masters degree and it just feels so fake, awarded for classes that taught little beyond what I used to think was common sense. Perhaps this is what the world has come to, an increasingly bizarre act built on nothing but fakery.
I wouldn't have even passed the classes if it weren't for others. While I like the lofty ideas of what I used to think cybersecurity would hold the degree was little more then skill at bulls---ting papers. My lifes work amounted to taking tests to get the privilege to write papers with little substance. Education seems to prove nothing yet my life rests on it. If I want to succeed I must support yet another form of fakery and one which everyone is involved in. Do people believe this? Am I grasping at straws and projecting my personal issues on the world? I don't know.
I don't even know how deep my fakery goes. Sometimes it feels like I don't even have emotions like I should, that I've just learned when to have them. I'll find something that fits the criteria for happiness and put it on repeat. Right now it is finding a certain song that scratches the itch. Last year it was the high of a conncection to god a cult gave me. None of this is original, and in time I always seem to have that nagging voice in the back of my head that reminds me that this doesn't make me happy. Is this normal? Is this natural? It isn't even just a fake smile, I'm not even sure how deep it goes.
I'm honestly not sure why I'm writing this. Partly to get off my chest, partly so there is some record of who I am at this time, and maybe a bit of good old attention whoring and seeing if anyone can guess who I am. I haven't edited this at all so it is true stream of conscious, sorry for putting you through this. Mods may as well just delete this in a few hours. -
bouncebakk NewbieSmoking a fatass blunt> b----ing about your problems and typing paragraphs about it to post on the internet
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Crack Fien NewbieStfu pussie
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