A Thread of Life and Death
- Locked due to inactivity on Nov 21, '17 3:54am
Thread Topic: A Thread of Life and Death
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DarknessNight NewbieRules:
1.) This is a vent/rant thread for me
2.) I don't care if you read it, because it doesn't include anyone on GTQ.
3.) If you want to chat, don't post here. Make a different thread.
4.) If you do post here, it will be ignored.
~DarknessNight~ -
DarknessNight NewbieVENT
I honestly can't tell what has happened to you guys. One moment you are there for me and you love me, the next you drop me like a sack of potatoes. You want me to leave, but yet you don't. I have to keep my relationship a secret, because you don't want me in it. Just because you said he said something that he didn't. I'm not your little child anymore. I understand, that you may not want me to grow up, but it's going to happen eventually. You've told me out of your own mouths that things would be better without me, so let's test that out.
It just makes me so mad about the things you do, and then want to pretend like everything is okay. -
DarknessNight NewbieI don't like to talk about what happens at home, but I honestly need some kind of outlet. I guess that's what this is for. I don't know what I'm becoming. I think it's me. I honestly do. I watch what I say, but sometimes it isn't enough. I try my best. I don't know what I did to deserve half of what happens. For the past few days I have been so deep in thought, that I've actually scared myself, and i can't talk to anyone, because of how the computer schedule is, and how every other technological device I use is gone. I just need someone to talk to. I have my best friend, and I'm so glad she is very supportive. She has come over to the house after s--- has went down and talked.
He is supportive as well, and he wants to get me out of here as soon as he can. He has stayed with me through everything so far, and I'm surprised. It shocks me really. I'm just scared that I'm going to end up hurting myself really bad before my next birthday. I guess it's hard to explain, but I told my dad after the incident that one day..that I wasn't scared of hurting anyone else. I was scared of hurting myself.
Dad said he needed to take me to therapy, but I've been helping myself along for four years. I don't want to go to some doctor and get medication for depression and anxiety. I've seen what it's done. That's the last thing I honestly need. -
DarknessNight NewbieRANT ABOUT F
I understand that we are really close. There are a lot of things that I've said that I wish I could take back. You've been through a lot, but still it doesn't justify your actions. You say you have been through a lot, and I will admit, you have. You've also seen the stuff I've been through. The only reason why I don't break down crying half of the time, is because I know I have to be there for you. I have to be there for you when the times are tough and you can't focus on things. I am here to give you advice when you need it, because I know they won't listen to you. I have always been a motherly figure to you, since she left. I have tried to stop being that kind of parental figure, but it is really tough. -
DarknessNight NewbieI'm worried and aggravated at the same time. I'm hoping he's okay. I'm probably over-reacting, because I usually am. I would text D, but I don't think I can. Maybe I could text S. I hope she wouldn't think that is strange.
F is being an ass again. I don't know what to do at times like these. Trying to explain to them that I have enough going on, but they don't want to listen.
I can't handle this. My heart is racing because I am worried to much. I have to many thoughts racing through my mind. I keep checking for a notification, but I get none. -
DarknessNight NewbieI don't care how bad school is, I will always count it as a blessing. It gets me away from home. I sat in my bedroom this morning listening to how things went on without me, and they actually went fairly smoothly. I need to get a job application, but I'm to shy to ask. I asked W to get one for me, but he said I needed to do it myself. Last year, school was terrible. I was told to kill myself and it still hurts. This year is going to be different. That much I want to make sure of. I don't care if it gets to where I am crying everyday, it won't be as bad as summer was.
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DarknessNight NewbieI remember the day my mom left and my dad had to walk 32 miles just to get back to us. We were with a babysitter, who has now been our legal guardian since 2013. She stayed with us since 2005, but oh well. If someone would have told me then what I know now, I wouldn't believe them. We first met her in 2004. I was four years old. She seemed like the coolest person I had ever known. She took us places. Bought us things. Made me and F feel like we were somebody. She stepped in when A left. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if she wasn't here. Would things be different?
I think about this more often than I should. I should be grateful, but after all that's happened, I don't know if I can. I just need to vent everything it seems like. Its all getting to me. -
DarknessNight NewbieHere's a thing I don't like, even though I myself am guilty of it. I hate when people say they know what I'm going through and it's going to be okay. Honestly, you can't tell me its going to be okay, when I know the things I do are putting me and C at risk. Not to mention me more so than C.
In fairness, people do try to comprehend. I myself don't comprehend things and am confused about so many things. I want to know how a mother and a father is supposed to treat a child. I want to know what it feels like to have love from a parent. To not be critized from behind the pulpit, even if it is for a few minutes, from your own father. I want to know what its like to be normal.
Elementary school was a hell-ish nightmare for me. W and S used to drink and smoke a lot when I was younger, so I constantly got asked if I smoked. It was so embarrassing for me as a child for that to happen to. Not to mention I was bullied by students, and the principal of the school (at the time, he retired when I entered the fifth grade). I remember getting shoved around in 1st and 2nd grade. Third grade was a complete massacre for me. I got in trouble and suspended for no reason. The principal called in the WHOLE third grade class and not a single one of the students in that class stood up for me.
I got suspended twice and put in ISS once in Elementary school all within 1-3 grade. The consequences at home were worse. I think that's why I'm still slightly traumatized to this day. All I can remember is belts, switches and other things. It wasn't a pleasant experience.
As I got into fourth and fifth grade, I figured out what made them mad, and I did everything in my power to be the perfect angel they wanted me to me. It lasted for a while, but the nights dad got drunk weren't so good. He didn't do anything to hurt anyone, but even still there would always be beer bottles somewhere to find.
That's when my dad met G. G was the pastor of a church, and at the time I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to the family. At the time, he was. As time soon progressed, as everything usually does, things changed. -
*posts anyway* ignore all ya want biatch #ThugLife
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DarknessNight Newbie[i]So, F came out as bisexual to our parents. I've known she has had interest in males a females for years now, but she didn't want to tell our parents. And by their eaction last night, I can see why.
When she told them, they said it was something "in her head". That it was the devil influencing her thoughts, and it made me pissed. It's like the same situation with me and Wolf. Our relationship is so restricted because my parents hate him. I think that will be the downfall of our relationship. I know I shouldn't think that way, but I always do, and I can't help it.
My parents don't know that F has a girlfriend. I have to go soon, but I will be back. So much stuff happened on the bus ride home.... -
DarknessNight NewbieSo, F came out as bisexual to our parents. I've known she has had interest in males a females for years now, but she didn't want to tell our parents. And by their eaction last night, I can see why.
When she told them, they said it was something "in her head". That it was the devil influencing her thoughts, and it made me pissed. It's like the same situation with me and Wolf. Our relationship is so restricted because my parents hate him. I think that will be the downfall of our relationship. I know I shouldn't think that way, but I always do, and I can't help it.
My parents don't know that F has a girlfriend. I have to go soon, but I will be back. So much stuff happened on the bus ride home.... -
DarknessNight NewbieSo, on the bus, everything was fine until halfway through the route. When the bus reached the halfway point, this girl asked if F and her girlfriend were dating. She said yes, then they started to make fun of them for it. I know I'm not F or her girlfriend, but they way they were talking got me, and I started crying on the bus. I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I couldn't say anything to my friends, but I was pissed. I couldn't say anything to them, because I don't like to approach people. In general, I hate initiating conversations with others. There are about three to four people I will actually talk to on a daily basis at school. They continued to talk about F and I started scratching my hand and I didn't realize it till it almost drew blood.
My best friend went up and started to talk to the group of girls because they were wondering why I was crying. She explaining why, then I walked up to them and had to explain that our parents didn't approve of the relationship and hated her for it . They still laughed and joked about it. :/ -
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DarknessNight NewbieI hate myself. I hate everything about me. I hate that I don't look perfect. I hate that I get anxiety at the simplest of things. I am slowly losing myself bit by bit, but am somehow recovered during the day, just to lose myself again.
Everything I draw and write is seen as depressing. I don't now what's goig on. I have too many things going on at home and school.
I feel like eventually my best friend is just going to drop me. I feel like everything could collapse at any moment, and I would be left alone picking up the pieces.
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