The Black Parade
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 5, '17 3:54am
Thread Topic: The Black Parade
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I enjoy the crying and breakdowns I feel when studying for a big IG inspection
I enjoy bossing humans around
I enjoy crying myself to sleep because I can't memorize a routine and as weird as that sounds it makes me happy
And despite the fact that deep down I want rainbow as f--- hair a face full of piercings and a tattoo
I don't want to let this class go
Like
I know I really wanted to dye in the first week but like
Idk
It also makes me feel at the same time like I'm worth something and that I'm not just some emo f-- crying in corners
I don't know how to explain it
Yes there's stress
I mean just today I had to look through all files and reorganise them by alphabetical letter and gender
And yes today I had to keep track of attendance
And I had to painfully grab my hair as tight as I could and bathe it in hairspray at 4 in the morning
And I have to deal with attitudes
But it makes me feel happy
In a weird way
I don't know if having purple hair would make me feel the way I feel right now with rotc. -
Die///
Idk
I guess deep down I'm afraid of feeling unwanted and empty like I did in middle school.
I don't know
I don't want to drop ROTC
But I don't want to "calm down" either
In my old ROTC class in the other school things were strict as f---
No f---ing around
No attitudes
No nothing
But here
That's literally all they do
They bs their way
Their drill team is pathetic
And the cadets are just babied too much
This is why the program here will never be able to beat the one in the other school
Because the other one had discipline and consequences vs this one where you can say f--- you to the Commander and the Commander would end up being the one getting punishment for what you said -
Why are you crying
No no stop crying stop
Gah
I can't -
Why do I feel bad
I'm doing this for their own f---ing good but all they see me as is a f---ubg bItthch that takes things too seriously
I take it seriously because that's what I was taught and that's why I have these f---ing chevrons and nine ribbons on my blouse okay
I didn't bulls--- my way through the program
I got involved
And I tried my hardest
I cried myself to sleep sometimes just so that I can wear this drill team ribbon
I had to work till midnight sometimes writing over and over a f---ING speech just so that I could get these f---ung chevrons and rockers on my blouse and convince them I was worthy of being in possession of these ranks
The PFC, lance corporal, corporal, and now sergeant
Meanwhile all you f---rts do is sit there study one or two things and then call it a day
Then when the f---ing window opens you all go buzzing to it like f---ung bees and expect a promotion
And what pisses me the f--- off the most is that you get it
This is why I dropped halfway last year
Because I couldn't stand that
This program is trash and until we get a f---ubg instructor who has balls
That's all it's going to ever be -
I just proved my mother's initial point that this program isn't worth it
But despite that
I'm not dropping.
And I'm not swooping down to their level of pathetic.
So I will wipe my tears off my face, take a shower, smile
And continue being me until the year is done.
The over achieving b---- like they called me
That's who I'll always be and f--- everyone who tries to change it -
When you've been meaning to talk for like a while now but you're too afraid so you just delete the message and leave it as draft because you don't know how to approach them again.
Moving on
O.o Julien updated his Facebook status
O.o he has a new girlfriend now
o.O damn boy you get over things fast -
^-^ I guess we both have that in common.
O.O moving on
OvO watching TV and eating ice cream bc I'm not going to school tomorrow
OvO I look like a homeless emo hiding in the dark -
I'm a wreck right now honestly
But that's fine
C:
My eyes burn o.O
O.o and deer messaged me but I'm not in the mood to answer anyone or anything ^~^ -
I feel weird
Like not empty
But like
Uncomfortable and sad
Im not sure why
But I feel uncomfortable and sad and worried
O.o but of who or what? -
o.O do you guys ever get that feeling
O.o of like someone that you know is in trouble or sad or like not who they should be
o.O you don't know who
O.o but like someone is not doing well
O.o so you feel this empty sadish anxiety inside you
o.O but you don't have the ability to pin point the problem
O.o what is this
O.o who's having a hard time -
O.o something's off
-
Eh it's just me being a paranoid brat like always
It's 7:30 but I'm exhausted so I'm actually going to bed now
^~^ it's for the best
O.o night. -
So I left Timmy in an animal shelter today because none of us have time for Timmy and if Timmy dies I'd cry
So we just left her with all the other tortoise and turtles and told them we just found her in the street
I left my child in a foster care
I am a horrible human
Oh wait
No I'm not
Over there Timmy will get the attention none of us can offer
Meh
My feelings -
Timmy ;-;
-
I'm like on the edge of having a meltdown
Oh my god
BRB
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