Land of Stars and Echoes
Thread Topic: Land of Stars and Echoes
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haha wow
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...I never really thought about it until very recently. Now, when I do, it makes me want to cry. I don't know why. I don't feel like it particularly hurt me? But when I think about it, I still get
so motherf---ing angry
I don't know what to do with any of this. -
Hahaha, oh man. I thought this was gonna be a good day.
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f---. I hate myself so motherf---ing much. Why am I like this?
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...I missed a lot, didn't I? What a mess.
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I could say, in no uncertain terms, that I hate people. It's a simple statement, and I could write essays defending it. I could write ballads to the shortcomings of humanity; about peoples immense capacity to inflict pain on others, about how there are broken people walking around every day pretending to hold themselves together and knowing they'll never be how they were before someone f---ed them over, or maybe everyone f---ed them over. I could talk forever about the dishonesty, and the greed, and the hatred, and the way we look for ways to divide ourselves up instead of trying to get closer together. I hate people so f---ing much.
But I could also say I love people, and I'd mean it with every fiber of my being. I love it when they smile genuinely, and make little jokes and stupid faces because someone's having a bad day and they want to see them smile. I love how they get attached to each other and then fight, tooth and nail for one another. I love that hand holding is a thing, because someone had to try it first, to entwine their fingers into someone else's and think, "that feels better", they liked being physically close to someone more than standing on their own. I love that people are their own universes, that just about anyone you meet will know something I don't, have experiences I will never have, have a different taste in music, different perspective, different worldview, different moral code, there is so much information stored in each human being, and I love it. I love charity, and kindness for the sake of kindness, and romance, and the desire to protect, and loyalty. I f---ing love people. I mean it.
It bothers me because I mean both of those things. I don't know what I feel anymore. I feel wrong saying either, but also right. -
A lady thanked me today for assuring her she wasn't doing anything wrong when her machine messed up and that she, by extent, was not dumb, like she told me several times she was. I don't know why, but that made me really like her.
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I got another religious pamphlet today, too. This time, they handed it straight to me instead of leaving it on one of the machines. They held it out, and I thought it was a card they'd used up or something, so I took it. Then I looked at it more closely. He's like,
"Something for you to read."
I didn't want to say "thank you" because that would give them the idea that they'd done something to help me, so I just said, "okay". They left and I threw it away. I don't know why this keeps happening. I don't know if they can somehow tell that I'm a GODLESS HEATHEN or if they just hand them out at random to people in their workplaces so they can't outright refuse them. -
...I volunteered to go on a float trip in the morning. Why.
I should've backed out when she told me how early she wanted to leave, but I wanted to reassure her that I still love her so I didn't want to call off. And now, here I am, ranting on the internet about random bulls--- and eating Fruit Gushers (hail signless). Every second passing that I could be asleep is gonna come back to bite me in the morning. -
How do I stay friends with people who are openly supportive of Donald Trump? They like to talk about how it's immature to end friendships over politics, but
1. I want to get married someday.
2. I have Muslim friends and I don't want them to get f---ing murdered by empowered islamophobes.
3. I think women deserve respect?
and I don't know how I can just look past the fact that they're totally okay with handing the presidency to a guy who defies all of that. It's terrifying. -
hhhhhhh
too much thinking
I'm wasting my time
I am fully aware of that fact and yet here I am
opening Neopets -
Oooooh, you're so dark. Too cool for me.
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Honestly, though. How boring do you have to be that this is the only way you can get attention?
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I'm not too pleased that I had to reset my computer, but at the very least, the old passwords I had saved that don't work anymore have finally stopped autofilling.
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I'm so lucky to have friends like these. Today was pretty stressful, but this is nice at least.
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