The Destruction of Everything
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:34pm
Thread Topic: The Destruction of Everything
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f--- off.
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Huh. This censoring is honestly so fcking annoying.
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sighs heavily
when you want pictures of your character in a bunch of different outfits but you want said pictures to already exist instead of putting forth the time and effort to draw them -
I'm beginning to think I make myself sad intentionally just because feeling nothing is so frightening. I've gone months just wandering around like an unfeeling sack of sht. I've dodged around everyone who would ever think to worry about me just to avoid having to open my mouth and expend the effort to hold the conversation they would demand. Like they even have the motherfcking right to make demands. They never cared unless it made them look like better people. I'm rambling now, though, and that's not going to go anywhere pretty. I think I emotionally attach myself to the most tragic characters I can find in media because they make me feel things and I don't have to put forth any effort to feel it.
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I'm fcking this up, too. I don't believe that this is just a product of the low I'm falling into again. I think you're doing it, too, and you're all I have left.
I mean, I guess if you can even say I have you. I feel like you're talking to me out of obligation. I think you've known all along that I'm just a drain on your life and I'll only serve to make you upset and take your time. You will never benefit from having me around. I feel the distance between us expanding, but it won't be long before you acknowledge it, too, and it won't result in an effort to close that distance. It won't be long before you admit that you don't want to put up with me anymore either. And if you ever see this, and if it matters at all, and if you know who you are, I want you to know that I won't hold that against you. Take care of yourself. I'm nothing. I will never hold it against you so long as you're in a better place for it. -
I'm putting too much pressure on you, aren't I? Do I make you think I'm too fragile to handle living without you? Is that why you're still humoring me? I'm not holding you at gunpoint. Don't worry about what'll happen to me. Forget about me.
I mean, please don't. Unless you want to. Motherfck. I don't want you to go, but I don't want to trap you. You're important. You're incredible. Please be happy. -
I don't know what I've done to your perceptions of me anymore. You seem to think I'm intelligent, but I can't hold up in an argument I don't know every single thing about. I never learn. I never get better. This isn't intelligence. This is something like pretense and you're all falling for it. And somehow, you've gotten the idea I'm a good friend. I'm fcking guilting my closest friend into hanging around. They won't admit it because they're fcking phenomenal and they have so much love and empathy in them, they're just too kind to do that. They don't want to hurt me, but I can feel it. The things I've said and done, the way I'm always running to them and ranting about how I can't do this, I miss feeling loved, I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm this close to breaking my own bones because my skin feels too tight and my fingers are twitching and I think it'll probably feel better after I do, I'm so angry, I feel so empty, why should you have to deal with it? I keep doing it. I'm so sorry. No one else has ever cared about me like you seemed to, but every time we talk anymore I'm realizing that I've always just been imposing myself on everyone. I'm fcking poison. No better than the abusers I talk down on.
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I just don't know what to say anymore. I keep disappointing myself. I'm always trying to figure out what to do. There are so many options, but I can never stick to any of them. I'm too scared.
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I'd like to remove myself from life entirely. I want to exist in a bubble that doesn't include other people and drown this in tv shows and alcohol. I want to forget how to feel like this. I'm tired of it.
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I'm still trying to figure out if there's something wrong with me or if everyone feels like this all the time and they're just more mature and better able to cope with it.
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It might help if I turned this music off.
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Sometimes I'm relieved that no one bothers to care anymore.
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That's sincere, by the way. I'm not trying to passive aggressive you into caring. Dealing with me has got to be exhausting. I wouldn't want you to have to do it.
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It seems like every other day I'm having an existential crisis. This is some sht right here. Who am I going to have to hurt before she takes me seriously enoughrahnjh
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