I lied
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:33pm
Thread Topic: I lied
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I wish I could cut my hair.. I want people to look at me and ponder my gender. Not sneer at me and say my ass is too flat for me to be a female and say I don't make myself pretty. If only.
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If only I could commit to becoming gender fluid or transgender. Nn.
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..I tried. I failed. I give up.
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No one is stopping me from taking out something sharp and doing something stupid but me. I wonder why I've stopped myself. Am I afraid of not being missed? Am I afraid of failing and being separated from those who care most? Or am I only afraid of what waits upon my death? I've wondered that every time. I'm still unsure.
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It's not fully the first. I mean, I had a nightmare that I had only a week to live and none of you cared.. But before I woke up, I was scared of something more. It could be both the first and last. I don't believe in a heaven. But if it's true, I could miss out on external life. I want more than anything to not die. To live on. I'm just.. So scared. What if I don't get sent to hell and there's nothing? As a child, and even now, I wished that after death, you were only sleeping forever. I thought "death" was a term for forever dreaming. But everything stops working. One cannot dream when their heart is not working to keep the brain functioning. Which means.. There's nothing upon death. Just blackness. And I don't want to be put there. At the same time, I'm sick of here. Sick of loving and this feeling of jealousy and hatred and sadness. I'm sick of knowing one day, I'll have to deal with worrying about being broke or poor and not being able to support a family if I even get one. I won't make it, the way I am now. Just because I know two plus two is four doesn't mean I'll make it in life. I'll likely disappear and die on the streets. It'd be better to die now, but my fears are stopping me.
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I'm so pathetic.
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..I must be stupid, too. Thinking any of you would care. That wasn't a nightmare. It was real. If I were to leave, few of you would try contacting me. How silly of me to believe I'm cared for so deeply.
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I'm depressing myself just reading what I'm really posting. I should stop now.
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Let me move on to my anger.
You don't understand how furious I am that you decided it'd be funny to play with the usernames and post inside of my thread. I've made over four threads in the f---ing Stage that were ignored or abandoned quickly. I had a chance to finally use my characters, to start having a semi-normal day like I used to, and you thought it'd be f---ing funny to post. I don't hate you, but I hope you don't attempt that again. -
Kiddo...?
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This pertains to someone offline, thank you.
And you.. You make me sick. Yelling at me for something I didn't do. Guess what? We're only pretending to be friends because of that dumb project. Soon, I'll get away from you. I'm better than you. I'm not afraid to think that. I don't yell at my friends, I don't say crap about those I've been with for years and boast when I leave a friend. You're nice, but not nice enough. If I hear you say I was yelling at them one more time, I'll flip my s--- on you. You tolerate me and I tolerate you. Don't expect more from me. -
Late
yes, anri? -
And. You.
You. Me. I hate you the most. You unhealthy, ungrateful b----.. I hate you. I don't need to go in depth on this because you're me and you know all of the things wrong with yourself. I hope you know I hope you have a bad f---ing day, self. And don't laugh at me and say that's a lie. -
You okay...? You're worrying me.
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My feelings do not matter. You can carry on, friend. I'll be out of this trance soon. Maybe.
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