My OFFICIAL thread
Thread Topic: My OFFICIAL thread
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heh...I can understand how. ..
You can if you want...nothing telling you not to... -
Okay. I'll go get them
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Day 1.
I must confess, today was actually better than I had anticipated, actually, it was good. Despite my constant battle in depression, for reasons too elaborate to explain here and now, and aggravating, ear splitting comments that were so cheesy I wanted to die, and constant chastening threats and scolding tones that made me want to dissappear, today was.... decent.
The road trip there was fine; it wasn't too hot, and I managed a nap on the way there. When we arrived we set up everything, which took about three hours eventually. After that I was able to acceptably ignore most conversion by sitting down and weaving pine needles whilst everyone enjoyed themselves. Later, I decided to go biking with everyone, which I dare say will be my most embarrassing tripe of the trip. You see, I hadn't drank much today, and my bike was giving me an hell of a time because it had a flat tire and it badly needed oil. (Not to mention my very primitive knowledge of how to handle the gears on it, and the fact that I hadn't really done much athletic activity this summer) We rode down about 1.3 miles to the day use area, and then decided the turn back. Over that period of time I had tried my dammed hardest to be quiet and keep up with everyone else. On the one way back I started panicking. I was on the verge of tears and I couldn't look away from every dark cremase screaming on the one the inside ready to pass out. Izaya asked if I was alright one too many times and I hate myself so much for how I acted. I swear I ruin everything these days... I can never do anything right and now I am trying desperately to keep from allowing myself to believe that I am afraid of the dark. I am not afraid of the dark. I never have been, never will be. I was just tired and dehydrated .
I hate myself. I hate this ugly, useless, screw up who can never do anything right and looses everything that matters because it is stupid and immature. Anything would he more useful than this worn selfish little blob...
I just need to live in the moment and capture the seconds in between seconds.
... yeah... I am actually seriously considering doing something really dumb to keep me from going to school. Luckily I can't die yet because I know I am not ready, but if I can end up in the hospital.....
I won't go to school. I am not ready.... I need more time.... I want to be homeschooled again... I failed...
Ugh, last time I was in school depressed I screwed up my grades. I can't do that this year but I can't just subside. It's not like I can just make my problems dissappear....
Day 2
Okay , so I haven't even gotten out of bed yet, and already everything is a mess. Next time I wake up to the sound of a four year old girl screaming bloody murder I'll let you know.
*sigh* the hardest part of today will be ignoring Izaya, because there is no way I can be around him after the way I acted last night.... ugh, why do I always do this to myself? Why do I always screw every relationship I have up? *scoffs* watch me make him despise my company in the next two days. Watch me make him disgust me. Watch me make him think that I am nothing but an emotional screw up who is too f---ed up to hang around because I just make drama.
*sigh* I can't figure out how to change a damm thing about me but if I can't change who I am I will loose what little bonds I have left. Right now every mood is optional. Right now I have two little minds screaming in my head trying to win control of my conwhous, and I am actually pretty scared because I have no idea who is going to win.. I can't sway either one of their opinion because I can't afford to lose the other one, but I also can't keep going on like this....
Now just watch me screw life up again.
***
Went bicking, again, this time with better results than anticipated. I ended up half a mile behind everyone with Noah and Izaya. I got to talk with him and ate blackberrys and I could tell I didn't mess anything up this time.
***
Tbc -
Guess these might sound a little whiny... but I got better... that week was what fixed a lot of things...
Don't feel hurt when you read some if it, though. I was lost and I didn't know what to do. -
Day two (continued)
Yes me! Oh yes, you are such a fantastic person. *scoffs* okay, so Nathaniel, Izaya, and I went down to the lake to go swimming. I feel like such a hectic little obnoxious... ugh, so I hurt both my friends more than once because I was being selfish and inconsiderate... and then Izaya made a comment about how obnoxious Nathaniel can be, and I replied with a sorry reflection on any obnoxious tendencies I had, and he said, "oh, no Savannah, you have never been obnoxious." Ugh, later that day I was trying to apologize and he basically told me that that was the only thing wrong with me.
I don't understand, every in says I am a beautiful, smart talented person who isn't obnoxious or hectic and that is exactly what I am.... I try to apologize for being such a screw up but people hate it when I do so idk whwtwhat to do anymore... I want to be a better person but I only screw things up...
Wait now, just wait and I'll screw up every little tiny thing.
***
Little selfish b----. For once, could you shut the f--- up. Ugh, screwed up everything... whatever....
So my ever self filled commentary had disgusted my friend...
Actually, just... *sigh* why must be be so perfect! Why must I be such a blind idiot.... why, just why.
Someone find me when they figure out why people even bother with me, but in the meanwhile I'm just going to go read in my tent...
I have an idea! Why don't I just remind myself that nobody cares about what you think or who you are every time I decide to open my mouth.
***
So I went for a solo bike ride. (Since no one could be bothered to accompany me) I had intended to go down a steep hill so I headed for the forest route.... it was too dark.... the moment I entered the tree line I entered a paranoia and made a beeline back home. I cannot believe I let myself fall so far down... everything about me is screwed beyond control and fixing.... ugh, like seriously? Fear of the dark? Who the hell am I?
Whatever... I only counted forty three major mistakes I made... I could list them off if I wanted to, but I don't want to right now so I'm just going to go drift into that lame excuse for a coma called sleep.
Actually, coma isn't such a bad idea....
***
Day 3
So I woke up today and wrote an note for Alex....
I also have a blister on my foot.
Damm, this is all going to sound so immature and lame in three years. :-P
***
Why... of all the damm people in this world why did it have to be him....
I can't cope with Izaya being depressed. I actually can't.
It won't f---ing open up to me because he doesn't know the person underneath my fake bubbly skin I have... idek how to come off as serious anymore....
UGH, anyone want to see me fall apart again? Just watch me fall apart as yet another person I love won't let me help.
Wait, well, it's not like I could help anyways so f--- life.
Stupid worthless immature selfish s---. If you ever do anything right I'll give you every f---ing thing in the universe.
Damm it. This was SUPPOSED to be a bit trip events. Not your forsaken woe is me selfish drama. Now go outside with a smile and play cards.
Only six more days...
Okay, back to the purpose of this. The purpose of the on right now is for me to say that it really hurts me to see him so depressed.... ide have the slightest clue what is the matter and that bothers me...
And here I thought I would be the depressed one on this trip.
I guess I just have to much experience hiding emotion.
SERIOUS CONTENT. I was being a hooligan in my bubbly folly and I started swerving around the water fountain and slid too fast and crashed on my bike... ever wonder why physical pain awakens hindered emotions?
***
I went biking on a hiking trail with Nathaniel and Izaya. I didn't know it was a hiking trail when I previewed it earlier that day though... there was a very nice viewing area though, we will intentionally go down that later today.
Okay, overview of all that we did today:
We woke up and went down to an fish hatchery to catch fish.
Tbc -
Day 3 (continued)
I managed to loose my mom's lure, and catch a lot of seaweed. Nathan... well, idk... Izaya caught a fish, but it was too small so he had to throw it back. And, Joe caught a very large fish.
We later went to the geyser and rode our bikes down ramps into the pond, and I soaked myself in the geyser and ran around chanting nonsense about medieval things and ended up skidding off my bike because I was swerving around in circles on a wet bike chanting nonsense. (I am actually really pissed because of that, because I skidded at the most plausible spot that I really should have known not to with all my biking expertise) and I ended up riding get back alone because Izaya was sitting in an depressed silence and.... actually, there are some thoughts I would rather keep off of paper...
Later, we just rode our bikes around....
Okay, so the problem is that I realized I really do like Izaya still. He was my first crush, and my affection for him was no secret even at an early age, but it has grown from that. I remember a time we both admitted feelings for each other... I remember a time our friendship was very awkward... but now... now I look at him after all the drama and struggle,-- I mean, I know it isn't quite perfect, yet, but I know I am past an certain stage in my life so I can reflect from it.-- now I look at him in our friendship and I try to ignore everything because I know it isn't strong, and I know I am remiss to love anyone so I don't think about it, but when I set aside all the troubles of the world and I look at him, I like what I see. He is too perfect... he is such a gentleman and it overwhelms me... I mean, I am not used to seeing anyone so patient, respectful, and mannerous.... I am so used to be thrown into the deep end and expected to be independent I can't handle the way he acts... I am undeserving of it... I know something still exists between us, because I feel it when he winks at my lame jokes and I can't help but look for him in the room even though I know I won't go up to hang out with him... I asked myself why he was always the one my eyes darted to... and I can't say for certain if anything is real, but real or not it isn't nothing....
Weird things like the fact that I know it hurt Izaya when Curtis flirted with me because he keeps bringing it up.... I am sorry I hurt him.... I am sorry I am such a hook line and sinker.... sorry I am so whimsical and utopian... sorry I can't think straight... sorry you never told your friend to ____ off if it bothered you that much... ugh.... sorry I ruined your night because your friend thought I was cute and none of you wanted to hang out with me. Sorry I didn't just tell him to go and wandered around the gym for another hour until it was time to go...ugh.... sorry..
Five more days. -
(This was addressed to you specifically)
Dear My Closest Friend. (Relatable song lyrics)
I just wanted to let you know, (though you can't see this) that I am doing fine, and that it tis a very excellent thing I didn't clear my email before I left because I really, really needed to here those right now. I don't know if I would have survived if I couldn't have found little tiny snippets if our conversations saved into my pathetic device. Now I must go eat pancakes, but just know that I miss you and I want you to be vigilant. I know it is probably really easy, but for my personal benefit right now I need to tell you to be strong and don't worry. One week is like a mote compared to eternity.
Your Worst Nightmare, Wendee. (Somehow, in my dream last night wendee was interpreted to Erica....)
Aug17
Dear, My Closest Friend
Well, this is a bit of an awkward thing to discuss, but if I know myself as much as I doubt I do it will come up and I shall need this letter. Okay, so mind my grammar and my stalling...
Screw it. Okay so right now, I need to say that you are not important in my life. You have always been as crutch because I can't walk and one day, one day that will change. But, there is something else, Izaya. Izaya makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to try to fix everything and be someone I feel I can't.... and I wanted to tell you this for I thought you would be...jealous. Not because I assume any feelings you might have for this forsaken creature, but because you always say you want to help and we always try to build each other up, so I thought the idea that someone else just took that unconfidentally might bother you. Also, he only makes me want to be someone I can't because he is the person I wish I was.... and I shalt not elaborate that. So, in final if you ever want to help, be someone I want help from. Be someone who I can yearn to be like. Actually, I will always yearn to be like you so tread cautiously. Seriously. I am far to pliable to be considered safe so so be careful around me... I am an open wound and bacteria infects very easily. (As I told you before, when your cussing was getting to me.... you can let the taboo here wriggle into your mind itself)
Okay, so now that I spent twenty minutes writing a selfish paragraph I shall go to sleep. Hopefully with any luck my ridiculous mood will wear off by then. Seriously. I have been acting like an medieval hooligan all day.
Your idiot, Down Poison. (Now, I really wish I had a sound tract with me... it is a very dry life to fast from music
18
Dear, Closest Friend
So I dreamer about talking short music.... :-/
I shall need a straight jacket very soon.
I miss you. See you soon. -
.... that's all I wrote.. I sort of stopped writing as my mood improved.... I just thought you should know...
I am sorry if it hurts you... I really am and I'm willing to discuss a thing you might want to. -
I understand.
I see that and trust me, I know where you're coming from. -
I am sorry... I feel like I should have previewed all that before I posted some of it.... I just.. I needed you to be aware of certain feelings I have had.
I promise you that it has faded now... it is just first crush best friend crutch and I mixed up the roles back then snd...
And f--- it. Give me a week or two... I need some time to figure this out... I forgot those feelings ever..
Idek...
I am so f---ing sorry
Just forgive me now for whatever happens... I am such an idiot... sorry .... -
Okay
It doesn't hurt, Savannah. I've been in that sort of sitauation, I get it...I may only be 14 but as you can probably tell by now, I have a s---load of experience with being in all kinds if hard and hurtful situations. -
It's okay,
Don't even get me started on Megan, Savannah, cause I really don't wanna go there XD
.-.
Don't worry so much... -
How can that not hurt? It's not like it didn't hurt me when I reflected on yours and Alliyahs or Carolyns relationships... it's not like it never caused an sche.., that was a million times worse than that. You can't lie to me. Don't try to be strong if you don't like something about that tell me..
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*sigh* You think I'm like you'd be in this...Can you pile scars on scars, Savannah? Do you really think that's possible? Or do you think that after awhile, you won't scar anymore because you've become immune?
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*curls up in a ball* I....
Okay, goodnight, sleep tight, have a good day tomorrow I'll see you later, *kisses your forehead*that is you forget all this..
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