Spencer Demario
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:17pm
Thread Topic: Spencer Demario
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They say that when you’re in danger that your life flashes before your eyes. Right now I’m on my knees on the gravel ground behind a huddle house in Oklahoma. As I shift my weight I can feel the rocks grinding under my kneecaps. It hurts, but not as badly as Carrie does. My fifteen year old sister is next to me. She’s sitting on her legs and her hands are bloody. She’s crying and holding her mouth. A man is standing in front of me with a gun pressed to my forehead. How did we end up here? I close eyes and let the memories flood in.
It was 2007 when I went and visited my sister in Sicily, Italy. I hadn’t been there in nearly three years. She was only 11 and was still living with mom and dad. I was 21 at the time and had come to visit from America. Mom and dad started spending time with the wrong kind of people. They were running low on money and they needed to make a little extra cash, so they started making deals with the mafia. I had been there for only three days when one of their “employers†came and started asking for their payment. Dad didn’t have the money of course, how could he? So the man decided to take their payment in another form. He decided to repossess my sister. Everything that happened next seemed to happen at once. The man stepped into the room and grabbed Carrie, mom and dad were crying and trying to stop him, and she was trying to struggle. It was all such a blur. The next thing I remember was the knife in his stomach. My hand was still clutching the hilt while he heaved his last few breaths. His eyes were blank as they stared at the ceiling. I’ll never forget that stare.
That’s how it all started. Since then we had been on the run. Mom and dad stayed behind while Carrie and I moved to the Americas. Every time we settled into a new home we were forced to run again. They were always right on our tails. Always one step behind us. I thought we gave them the slip a few months ago. And I was almost ready to finally settle down.
I hear another crying sound. I open my eyes to see Amanda on the ground. Another man is holding her down. The man with the gun to my head is yelling orders at him. But none of that matters. Amanda is here. She’s going to have to watch me die. As I sit there and stare into her tear stained eyes, I feel two very different emotions boiling up inside of me. One of hate, and the other of grief.
Two years after we had arrived, Carrie and I were on the run as usual. We were travelling through Oklahoma when we decided to stop by a huddle house for a bite to eat. It was late at night and the only people inside the building were the two of us, our waitress, and the cook. We sat down at our table and waited. When our waitress came to our table I couldn’t speak. I fell in love instantly. Carrie even had to order for us. We returned to that restaurant every month for two years. And when we weren’t there, I was constantly texting Amanda, or trying to find out how she was doing. Tonight was the night they found us. They had caught her and forced her to tell them when we’d be back. She betrayed us. And yet she didn’t have a choice. I didn’t want her to have to see this because I loved her. And yet I was happy she was forced to watch it because she was the one who let it happen… oh well…
So now I’m here, a gun pressed against my head. My sister is crying in the grass next to me, and the love of my life is crying in agony as a man grinds his knee into her back while she remains immobile. I close my eyes and wait for the bang…
B A N G
(please spell check and critique. I dont want just a "good job" or a "That's really cool." I want to know how I can improve this story. What about it didnt you understand? Was there anything I could have added more detail on?) -
Holy crap ;3; that was awesome, but you wanted a critique so
I thought that was written very well, but the story seems slightly jumbled so I got confused for an instant, parts of the 'two years' paragraph should have happened a little earlier in the story, but I don't know, that's just my opinion. -
James, you have an amazing talent. great visuals. but the second paragraph should be two paragraphs i think.. right after the mafia part...where it say I had...you should make it two paragraphs. but you have a great talent for stories....
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