Would any of you be interested in reading this?
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:37pm
Thread Topic: Would any of you be interested in reading this?
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This is the preview I plan to have. It's like the one on the back of books, and I tried to make it as revealing as possible.
Title: Hope
Preview: "His drive of hope was all he had.
No one knew hope as well as Alfie Navarro. He was raised believing that hope was a power as strong as love. He took it to heart. Hope wasnt just a word to him; it was a treasure, a power, his life. So when Alfie felt love for the first time, all he could do was hope that it would turn out well.
Alfie fell in love with Leonardo Rollins, a mysterious man who seemed to always be there. The two had known each other for years. They were best friends from the beginning. How could a man love another man? Alfie had tried to deny the feelings, but they were there.
His world began to fall apart when Leonardo revealed his secret. It will take him all of his hope to make it through his pain. The question is: Can Alfie live with only hope on his side? Or will he need a stronger force to keep him happy?" -
Id read it
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Probably r
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I'm assuming you mean Alfie revealed his secret in the last paragraph, yes? Because otherwise, my interest would depend on whatever Leonardo is hiding and you're a b---- for not telling us what the secret is.
That said, no, I wouldn't really be interested in reading something like this. The main hook of Alfie being very hopeful is quite bland and I don't see how it could create very interesting scenes beyond him sitting there and being a wet fish, so to say. The homosexual relationship is supposed to be shocking and forbidden, but in the modern day gays are actually well treated and generally respected, so there's no real reason to treat it as this forbidden fruit. I dislike the names as well, but I suppose you are consistent in giving them Italian names, so that's just personal preference. -
Thank you for your input.
Same for you, thanks.
I wasn't really clear about it- it's Leonardo's secret, not Alfie's. Is there a way I can write that to make that note more clear?
Understandable. I was trying to focus on one thing and not a overall summary of the beginning of the chapter, but I guess using the title as my source of attention wasn't good. I'll keep messing with that note. Do you know an angle I should look at? Also, I was actually thinking about that part about the homosexuality but it is still frowned upon in various cultures so I figured it would be okay to put that there. I can always change it though. I want to improve it to make it something someone would want to read. Actually, I've had that problem with all of my stories where people suggested a name change but I'm not sure what names would fit better..? I usually chose a name that goes with my characters' personalities. Alfie looks like a name for someone who is creative and passionate. Leonardo looks a bit stronger than Alfie, which is ideally what I'm looking for. Do they not sit well at all to you, or are the names more on a meh scale? -
ahh I didn't say it but thank you too
I haven't gotten real criticism for a while so I was eager to respond and in my haste I didn't say thank you ^^' -
So wait, being gay is Leonardo's secret, but Alfie is also in love with Leonardo? What's the problem then? Does Leonardo not love Alfie? Then we might actually have a plot here, which wasn't very clear in the opening synopsis.
I suppose the gay angle can still work, stories don't necessarily have to be set in the modern day. It can still work, it all depends on how much importance you plan to place on the idea itself. If it's central to the story and intended to create conflict and prejudice, than obviously the culture will need to reflect that. If it's just a side issue, than it could be easily hand waved away.
I think the main problem with the names is in how unique each of them are, but again, this is just a problem with the culture I grew up in. In somewhere like Italy, I'm sure they fit right in. I can understand the reasoning behind them. I just don't know anyone called Alfie and that makes the name stand out for me. Really, I think it's just an issue of needing to get used to the name (which will happen naturally over the course of the story) rather than anything being wrong with the name itself. I mean, if someone make a story about someone called Drizzt, any name is fair game. -
Leonardo's secret is a heath problem that was brought by his parents' DNA mixing. Considering it's a fantasy plot, I was thinking of something along the lines of "light and dark" mixing together. The offspring- Leonardo- would have an illness similar to cancer, which would result in his death. I could, however, turn this to a realistic plot and go with my backup idea, which is Leonardo likes someone other than Alfie.
That whole line about "How could a man love another man?" wasn't really central to the story. I was considering making someone dislike their relationship, but my overall plot has nothing to do with that and I can easily take it out if it's confusing and unnecessary.
To be honest? I googled "cute boy names" and I picked them out randomly from a list of names. They just kind of spoke to me. I'm not surprised that they're interesting to you. -
-DNA mixing
-Fantasy world
-Magic?
Wow wow wow, slow down, I thought this story was taking place in the modern day. Stuff like this changes everything. You need to include this kind of thing in your synopsis. I mean, depending on how central Leonardo's secret is to the story, you can probably kept it secret, but you need to make everything else clear. Just a line or two explaining the setting will do. Hell, Tolkien did it in a single line where he explained how the rings of power were forged, and that clearly explained the setting and what to expect.
If the story is about Alfie caring for Leonardo while he slowly dies of magic-cancer and learns to love, than you'd obviously need to include that in your synopsis. If it's supposed to be a surprise twist near the end than obviously don't tell anyone about it.
A romance story set in a fantasy world. What a fun idea... -
How would one convey that in the synopsis? I've never actually written one of these. I don't really know what all is important when you're writing something like that. His secret is indeed central to the storyline which is why I didn't put it in there.
That's exactly it. I'm not sure how to convey all of that, though. Wouldn't it ruin the plot and spoil the ending, or is it needed for people to understand the book and know whether or not they want to read it?
I know it's a very popular genre, I'm sorry. ;~; I work well with fantasy or adventure themed plots, though I can ALWAYS make this one a realistic one. -
There's many ways to write a synopsis, and you've actually done a good job hitting the basics (who is the main character, what is his problem, what's the setting,) the problem is you've bogged yourself down.
I suppose you just really need to cut down on the unimportant things and focus on the meat of the story. Who is Alfie, what does he do for a living? Yes, he's hopeful, what else? This could be a good opportunity to subtly explain that they're in a fantasy universe. Expand on the problem Alfie has, because I still don't see exactly what it is. If the problem is that Leonardo doesn't love him back, then make that clear. Don't reveal Leonardo's secret, but allude to him hiding something (hell, make that the reason his love is unrequited.) Put something like 'Alfie must learn to live with his unrequited love.' And explore the setting a little. Even something like 'King Julian the fifth was the current king' or something similar will let the reader know that this isn't the modern day or world.
For example, here's a synopsis that literally fills all three of these in one go:
Pride and Prejudice, a contemporary, literary novel, tells the story of Elizabeth Bennett, a proud, intelligent woman, one of five sisters, whose mother is committed to marrying her children off as a matter of urgency. Elizabeth meets Darcy, owner of a grand estate, but considers him over proud, arrogant and undesirable. In time, she learns that he is not all that he appears to be, and revises her prejudice, before they fall deeply in love.
This synopsis clearly shows the character (Elizabeth Bennett,) the problem (Her mother is trying to marry her to man she hates,) and the setting (England, in the past.)
I'd recommend Googling for more information, because I'm hardly the best authority on synopsis and I'm certain there's better people out there for it, I'm just a guy giving my best as I understand it. -
I think I can see what you're saying.
So basically I need to cut the "hope" crap and get more specific points in there. I can certainly try to accomplish that. By hearing you out, and listening to another person, I have a feeling I'll make this a realistic story. Might make it a challenge for me because I constantly write fantasy themed stories.
Thank you for that example. I understand where I can take a better turn on this.
I'll certainly go poke around. However, I thank you for your help you've given me. I don't usually get constructive criticism and it's very helpful for me to hear some. You also seem to be very serious about writing, so I'd like to take your word on most if not all of the advice you've given me. -
Oh and I apologize if I repeated myself at all
I'm pretty bad at thanking people without repeating a few phrases -
I'd read it. I like to think of myself as a book expert, and that sounds like something I'd read.
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I would read it.
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