Minecraft Kingdoms:The Begining
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:36pm
Thread Topic: Minecraft Kingdoms:The Begining
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Slayerbrine NoviceSummary
Many years ago,babies got sucked into the magical relm called minecraftia.Some got spawned in a village,others,who are very special,got spwaned in a void and shot into a random dimension at random.They,fortunetly all survive and live there life in the Minecraft universe. -
I'd rate this 'Minecraft Story Mode out of Ten.'
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Slayerbrine NoviceChapter One:The Adventure begins
5 years later...
I woke up to the loud cry of"SLAYER!!!"from Gilda and Fred the guard,my foster parents,.I quickly changed and got myself ready for the day because today would be my first day I live alone.When I got down I ate some porkchops for breakfast,said bye to gilda and fred and went out to start earning myself some wood.
I went to the woods and started mining a tree down.I finished 3 tree and made a crafting table and a set of wooden tools.I finished about 3 axes before my inventory was full so I decided to start my house.I rushed it because it was almost night and with the fact that I wasn't the best builder it looked like a 7x7 block with 2 doors,a few trapdoor windows with a crafting table inside.I went in to wait out the night since I couldn't sleep in a bed. -
Slayerbrine NoviceIt is a long night,nothing is really happening,I herd some groaning and bone crackling with a few hisses,screaches and teleporting but nothing more.I laid down and stared on the ceiling when I heard door pounding.I looked out the window and saw zombies knocking it down,I took out my stone sword ready to fight for my life.
They broke the door down and I saw 20 zombies,4 zombies in enchanted armour,one having the full armour enchanted,another just needed the boots enchanted,this other one had only a chestplate and pants enchanted,the last one only had a chestplate enchanted.They all had stone swords which wasn't really good if I wasn't a brine I would run but that wouldn't fit right with my title of Slayerbrine.I striked a zombie and stepped back and repeated this process until the full enchanted one was dead and I got it's armour and sword which was almost broken.I was almost out of room and the zombies closing in.I saw an opening and ran outside and of course,like any other zombie,they charged after me.
I smirked,most people would think I'd be nuts to smile like this but I thought differently,they wer on my prefered fighting stage,outside.I was ready to fight when I was shot with an arrow,Skelentons appaered and I saw creepers ready to charge at me and spiders advancing on me too and with the zombies I was completely sorrounded by mobs of the night. -
Slayerbrine NoviceChapter 2:The Warriors' Spirit
The mobs were closing in fast and there was only one thing I could do,fight,but my odds were preety silm.I still smirked,there was no way out of it but I smirked,I couldn't help but feel that this was going to be crazy like I seem to be now and I thought my odds weren't slim and these mobs would be sorry they met me.I don't know what happened really I just feel great like I could do anything but it's weird because I'm a regular human but I feel like I could do this easily.
My blank,white eyes glowed brighter than before and I just felt like a proud warrior.I know this feeling it's is called the warriors' spirit.I instantly knew what to do I first deflected all the skelenton arrows with ease and went after them.I striked them and there bones and arrows flew in the air.The ones with the enchanted bows dropped them but I just picked them up.I then went after the zombies feeling it ws right.I blocked their sword and striked them and as they all died I went for the spiders who were already attacking me all the mobs were attacking me I just was to dodgy to notice.I striked all of them as they tried to jump on me and when that was when my sword broke.It didn't matter I only had a few hits but I killed all the spiders and went for the creepers.I killed all the creepers and day came.I sorted out my items by making chests and crafting and I realized I was super hungry and needed food -
Slayerbrine NoviceI ate some of the bread I carried from the village.I put on the gold armour I got from the zombies and had my unbreakable IV,Infinity,Fire aspect bow,which I got from the skelentons,and an arrow in my inventory beside my sword.I went to explore the world and I saw this herd of horses.There was this white one that caught my eye and I tried to tame it.It put me down countless times but I wasn't about to let it slip from my fingers.I finnaly tamed it and realized why it caught my eye,it had a horn,and I knew I just tamed a unicorn.
I remembered I was read this unicorn book and I remember it can use magic to fly.I tried it and it worked I was flying on the unicorn.I was ready to take her to the village.I reached and landed to see all the villagers surrounding me."Hello again"I said smirking and then Guilda and Fred came."Slayerbrine"they said"are my eyes decieving me,is that a unicorn your on?""yes"I said"Figured you'd want to see it so I came".Everyone was awestrucked."Come here my boy"the village priest said and I went to her.He gave me a saddle and a Iron horse armour"Take this and put them on the unicorn"He said as I did it"Alright your welcome anytime"and I took that as a que to leave and I did. -
Slayerbrine NoviceChapter 3:Mytical beasts
I flew until at midday I saw a dessert temple.I minned all the wool on the outside and wert inside and mined all the orange wool.I went down one of the holes I made and saw a pressure plate and 4 chests.I avoided going on the pressure plate and looked in the chests.The first chest had 4 apples,3 oak tree sapplins and 2 iron,the second chest had five of five things which blew my mind dragon eggs,saddles,leads,gold and apples but it was just the dragon eggs which did it.In the third chest I got 3 more dragon eggs,leads and saddles plus 6 iron and 8 name tags.In the forth chest made me sure someone was here before because it had 1 nametage,1 lead,1 anvil and the rest of the chest was just iron blocks.I took them and minned the pressure plate then mined under to get the TNT and got out.
I got on my unicorn and rode her home.I made Iron armour and tool set then expanded my house to be a 30x30 block looking hous and when night came I ran in put a fence down leaded my unicorn in and slept in my newly made bed.Day came and I used all the day to make pens for some of my pets.For the forest dragon I made a leaf nest with wood blocks at the bottom.For the water dragon,glass with sand and water at the bottom.For my unicorn some sheared of white wool.They are all 20x20. -
Slayerbrine NoviceI put in the eggs that are sopposed to be my water and forest dragons in the respective penns.While I was waiting I decided to name my unicorn Crystal.I couldn't wait for my dragons to hatch
A few days later...
I upgraded my house the few days I've been waiting for my dragons to hatch.My house,which lookes like a fort,now actually stone,it is a 60x60 and has a 1x80 stone wall around it with a gravel path and a garden.Inside there is a living room,kitchen,dining room,3 bedrooms,a storage room,a wepondry and armoury.Finally,my eggs hatched and I had my baby dragons,which I will soon tame,and I was so excited.I went out to hunt some animals for food. -
Come friend, I know you can do better. And don't worry, because your helpful buddy IHLAOY is here to help! What does IHLAOY mean? Don't ask silly questions like that. I'm here to help. So just sit down and listen to me.
1. Stop starting every sentence with the letter 'I.' In first person, it's easy to to be stilted and boring in your delivery. It's easy to use too many 'I did x' sentences and forget other important things like description or emotion. It's fast, it's bland and it's just not very interesting to read. I'd recommend reading up on the strengths of first person narratives and trying to incorporate them into your writing.
2.I'd say get a spell checker, but that's not really a problem in your story, so kudos for that. What you really have is more of a grammar problem, which is harder to fix. So I'll just call them as I see them:
-When you use a punctuation mark like a comma (,) or a quotation mark ("), you need to space appropriately. You haven't done this at all, at any point in your story, and it makes everything look cluttered and hard to read. It's really simple to do, too. Just put a space after any punctuation. Unless you need to put a space before a punctuation.
-When you use numbers lower than twelve, you need to actually write the name of the number, not just use its numerical value. That looks cheap. Make your 3's into threes.
-Stick to a tense. Does this story take place in the past, or the present?
-When someone speaks, they get their own line. No exceptions. If someone speaks, THEY GET THEIR OWN LINE! That means press enter, a--hole.
-Never use more than one exclamation point per paragraph. Never, ever use more than one per sentence.
And that's just the tip of the grammar iceberg. Seriously, dude, use more spaces. It won't kill you to press the space bar.
3. You gotta add more description bro. As a general rule of thumb, when writing, pretend that the person reading is functionally, literally retarded and has no idea what even the most basic concepts of the novel are. Because, usually, they are.
That means, in simple, write as if the reader as never played Minecraft. Describe everything. Every little thing. Make every description unique and fun to read. Add what something smells like. Add what something feels like. If you think for even a second that someone might not know what you're talking about, add more description.
Here's some examples.
What's an inventory, is it the characters bag or is it hammerspace? Describe.
What's a trapdoor window? Describe it.
What's a crafting table and what does it do? Describe it.
Why can't your character sleep without a bed? Think of a reason, then describe it.
Where did he get a sword? Describe it, possibly before he pulls it out.
What's a zombie? Are we talking 'I am legend' or 'Shaun of the Dead?' Or 'World War Z?' Or are the talking about the classic zombie? Describe these zombies, what is their most notable feature?
What's enchanted armour? How is it different from normal armour? How is it made? You need to describe these things, I'm an idiot. I don't know why it's important that a zombie is wearing different shoes.
What's a brine? No, seriously this time, I played Minecraft, but what the hell is a brine? As in 'Herobrine?' That s---ty ghost story that popped up three years ago and everyone laughed at for being cliche? What is this, describe it.
Are you starting to get the picture? Describe everything unique. Next we can start work on describing things that aren't unique.
4. Slow down, sonny. Everything is happening way, way too fast. This ties into the description thing above. It's okay to slow down and smell the roses. I've written a 30 000 word novel and I reckon you've made more physical progress with your character than mine. So much s--- is happening so fast that none of it has any impact. Part of the appeal of first person is that you can slow down and show how a character is truly feeling.
s--- man, in one paragraph your character finds, enters, explores, loots and leaves a temple in the desert. If I did that, it would take an entire chapter, maybe two. Remember, description is key. Instead of simply going 'Oh, I did X and then I did Y and then I did Z and then I was done,' go, like, I dunno, describe your character flying, the wind in his hair, the bugs splattering in his face, the exhilaration. Describe the desert, describe the temple itself. Describe the tapestries your character selfishly steals. Describe the entrance, and the traps, and the rodents and the smell of long forgotten treasure. Description is key.
Understand, mate? -
Slayerbrine Novice(This is for fun and it's not stupid I know why he was there ;-;[-_-]my blocky face is that enough description....yes,ok thanks)
Chapter 4:Diamond
It has been 4 hours since I went hunting so I went back home.On my way back I past my old village so I decided to visit for a while.I entered the village and saw some of the kids heading to the libary with Amy the Librarian so I followed them.As they went inside I was stopped by Fred the guard."Slayerbrine"He said with a smile"what brings you here?""I was just hunting and saw this place on my way back so I decided to come"I said"How've you been?""Fine"He said"How is everything?""Fine"I said"My unicorn,Crystal,is fine too""Good"he said"And you finally named her great""I got a big surprize for all the villagers as well"I said"but I'm not telling".I walked away and went inside the library.
"...The diamonds were scattered across minecraftia and deep inside special parts of it"is what I heard when I entered in.I looked around and saw the children sitting down infront of Amy,who had a book in her hand,and they all stared at me."By the sounds of it,it looks like your reading the legend of the diamond"I said"Intresting but I shouldn't keep you waiting to hear the rest so I'll leave"and I left before anyone could say anything.I decided that was enough for this visit so I went home.I cooked some steak and made some bread for dinner when I came back.Night fell down after dinner and I went to sleep. -
Slayerbrine NoviceThe next day,I woke up and ate some mushroom stew for breakfast.I got dressed in my iron armour when I decided to go and mine.I already made a mine ntrance with some cobblestone and fences with a minecart ride to a raviene.I jumpped into the minecart and rod it down.When I arrived,I instantly looked for ores to mine in the raviene.The raviene was pretty cleared out of ores except for the bottom part that I never explored yet.I mined all sorts of ores,iron,gold,redstone and lapiz.
It was going good but my inventory got full so I made a little safe point and put all of my ores in there.Once that was done it was time to move on.I started strip mining and remembered the legend of the diamond:
The God of Minecraft Notch has made minecraftia balanced and unified but the good was struggling against the evil so Notch made ores.Redstone for science,Gold for the flashy rich and for the legendary golden apple which can heal any wound,Iron for utilities,emeralds for those who which for the rare and finally Diamond.This ore was made the most powerful known ore created.It can make the strongest tools,armour and used to make an enchantment table,the object that allows the user to use the blessings of notch(xp orbs)to make there armour stronger,it is said to create the only pickaxe that can mine the almost indestructable obsidian and essential in slaying the ender dragon.No one has found these amazing ores.
I mined but saw no ores.I almost gave up when my pickaxe hit a stump.It was bedrock,I couldn't believ I hit bedrock,only a hand full of miners hit bedrock and I was one of them.It really excited me but I decided just to keep mining.I found afew ores but didn't stop.A stone block broke and behind it I saw a teal ore.This is a ore I've never seen before and it was really cool so I mined it.I checked it's name and I was soo shocked I couldn't beileve it because it said Diamond.I minned it all and it was 6.I mined 1 block of stone and behind it I saw somethig as big as a diamond. -
I disapprove of this.
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Slayerbrine Novice(I don't care)
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I also disapprove of this, for reasons listed above.
But don't worry, I know you can do it. You just need to be ready to improve yourself.
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