What do you guys think
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:35pm
Thread Topic: What do you guys think
-
There are things we can't explain, things we can't know and soon we will wish we knew more.
The ticking of the clock was getting on my nerves, I was sitting in the library, well the back of the library. My long straight black and red hair fell over my shoulders, my intense blood red eyes glowing in the misty air around me. I wasn't supposed to hide, not in the library anyway, but I did as I always did. I was reading Dracula, I was at the part were Dracula was going to take the life of Johnthan Harker, when a voice drifted back to me "Ash Demtri Raven", I sighed and stood, the librarian, Felix, is the crankyist guy I know, he calls my name again " I'm coming, I'm coming" I mumbled. I rounded a corner and there stood Felix, his arms crossed over his chest "what have I told you countless times, Ash, your not supposed to hide back there" he said, his jaw tightened as he looked at me up and down,which was his way of seeing if I was hurt or not, I sighed, "I know, I know, and I am sorry" I said looking into his completely jet black eyes, with a sigh Felix pointed to the clock, it read 9:50pm, "it's getting late and almost past curfew, you should get back to your dorm" he said with a chilling voice, I nod and walked back to my dorm room.
I stay at Redious Academy, it's a place for fairy tail creature and of course nightmares too, I am part nightmare and part fairy tale, my mother was a Darkborn and my father is the Grimm Reaper. A few years ago, before I was sent to Redious Academy, my mother died she got slayed by a demon angel. I have never liked Demon angel's since they killed my mother,but that's not the only reason, I just have never like them because they never like me. When I got back to my dorm room, I sat down on my red and black covered bed, with a sigh I looked at my scythe, It was given to me by my father, I had always wanted to use it but I haven't got the chance, but I would, I would get to use it tomorrow, when I get to spar with a demon angel, I smirked at the thought of slicing that Demon angel begging for mercy. My clock red 10:00pm it was lights out, till tomorrow, as I drift off to sleep, I imagine the Demon Angel lying on the mat, begging for its life.
The next morning got ready for my spar with the Demon Angel , I didn't know his name but what I did know was that I was gonna win, my dad had trained me well, even better than him. I walked a crossed the quad to the gym, when I entered I saw four guys, I took a deep breath in,Demon Angel's , I could smell them, I sighed and swung my scythe to get a feel for it. The weapon was long,sharp, and dangerous, the four Demon Angels turned around when my scythe let out a blood churning scream as I turned it fast, A smirk spread a crossed the palest one, he was tall, skinny, but strong, his black and dark blue hair stopped at the middle of his neck, his chin was sharp, and he had a killer smile. I rolled my eyes and with one last twirl I slammed my scythe it into the gym floor, the ground shook, but it soon leveled out. My eyes showed hunger and rage as I look at them, the Demon Angel who smiled at me looked at his friends and nodded, they stepped back their eyes never leaving me, they stood over by the weapons, I snorted and focused on the Demon Angel in front of me, "You must be Ash Demtri Raven " the Demon Angel said to me, "Well I am Shadow Gage Coffin" he finished, a bit of pride flashed in his intense pale grey eyes. "Let's just get this over with you bloody Demon Angel " I spat swinging my scythe, a grim smirk spread a crossed his face as he pulled out a solid black dragon spine whip, he cracked it with a smiled, "And may the games begin" he said in a spine chilling tone.
He launches himself at me, I roll my eyes and caught him by the neck, I flicked my arm and threw him against the wall, he got up with a grunt "not bad, girly" he mocked, I swung my scythe at him, slicing his chest, he jumped back and hissed , he cracked his whip it slapped me a crossed the face,it stung and bled as I growled and charge at him. I get four more slashes on him before he pulls some crazy move, he twirled around cracking his whip around my waist, he yanked on it hard the claws dug into my pale white skin. I fall to the ground, my scythe kicked a crossed the room as the Demon Angel lifted my head and held a dagger to my throat "your dead " he said in a smug voice, I close my eyes waiting for the piercing pain to hit, but it doesn't, there was a high pitched wail "Enough " a man with a British ascent said, I open my eyes as the Demon Angel move to crouch in front of me "still alive princess?" He asked looking at me then the man walking over to us, I spat blood onto the floor "be glad you are " I say as the man approaches me, "back" he said, shadow slowly back away with his head hung, the strange man crouched down to me, he put his hands on mine and a great, strong tingling started to surge through me, he was healing me.
Shadow watched me with intense, worried eyes, his friends did the same, once the man was finished I stood up and called my scythe, which was in my hand within seconds, I turn my gaze from shadow to the strange man "who are you ?" I ask my voice shaky, at the sound of my voice, shadow stepped forward his grip tightened on the whip, his eyes glowed , the man smiled "I am here on terms of your father, my name is James Fenix Grand " he said holding out his hand, I looked at him "my father?" I said paying no attention to his out stretched hand, James pulled back his hand "yes your father, he wanted me to watch over you, here at the academy" James said, I snorted and nodded "ok, well, did you have to interrupted me " I ask sarcastically, James nodded "I did and I will wait for you out side" James said turning on his heels and walking outside, I sighed and looked at shadow and his friends, shadow stepped to me "Meet me here tonight, don't bring that thing with you" he said in a low voice, I nodded "and don't bring your pets " I whispered nodding to the other three Demon Angel's, shadow smiled and nodded "can't wait " he said turning to his friends they nodded and walked out the door, shadow looked back at me, longing flashed in his eyes, before he followed them out the door.
I walked back to my dorm, it was around 4pm, James followed me "don't you have classes ?" He asked, I shook my head "no, the teachers are attending meetings for six months " I say opening the door to my room, I walk in James following behind "oh I see " he said sitting at my desk, I shut the door behind me "so how is my father doing ?" I ask cracking open a can of A- blood, I sit on my bed and take a sip, James winced "well he is doing fine, still trying to clean things up" James said, I nod understanding what James meant. That night after James had said his goodbyes and left my room, I grabbed my scythe, I ran a crossed the quad and into the dark gym I, walked around, "wow, you came " shadow whispered in my ear, I smiled "yea I did, so are we gonna finish what we started ?" I ask, a breeze whipped my face as his eyes flashed in the darkness in front of me "no, I was hoping I could talk to you " he said. I look into his direction "really ?, sure " I said surprised at his remark, I felt his hand searched for mine, when he found it he led me to one of the mats, we sat down a crossed from each other "could you put that away " he said in a soft tone, I frowned in the darkness but then knew what he was talking about, I laid my scythe down, I could hear the relief in his body as he relaxed, "so what do you wanna know shadow?" I ask him, shadow sighed "well,when me and my friends saw you walking into the academy on your first day here, we saw your scyth and well you,we knew that you were the fifth member of our group, so we then decided what we were going to test you on, Vexion sujeststed combat, so I wrote you that letter and had you meet us here. " shadow said, I frowned "why didn't you j -
Crap hold on it didn't work
-
There are things we can't explain, things we can't know and soon we will wish we knew more.
The ticking of the clock was getting on my nerves, I was sitting in the library, well the back of the library. My long straight black and red hair fell over my shoulders, my intense blood red eyes glowing in the misty air around me. I wasn't supposed to hide, not in the library anyway, but I did as I always did. I was reading Dracula, I was at the part were Dracula was going to take the life of Johnthan Harker, when a voice drifted back to me "Ash Demtri Raven", I sighed and stood, the librarian, Felix, is the crankyist guy I know, he calls my name again " I'm coming, I'm coming" I mumbled. I rounded a corner and there stood Felix, his arms crossed over his chest "what have I told you countless times, Ash, your not supposed to hide back there" he said, his jaw tightened as he looked at me up and down,which was his way of seeing if I was hurt or not, I sighed, "I know, I know, and I am sorry" I said looking into his completely jet black eyes, with a sigh Felix pointed to the clock, it read 9:50pm, "it's getting late and almost past curfew, you should get back to your dorm" he said with a chilling voice, I nod and walked back to my dorm room.
I stay at Redious Academy, it's a place for fairy tail creature and of course nightmares too, I am part nightmare and part fairy tale, my mother was a Darkborn and my father is the Grimm Reaper. A few years ago, before I was sent to Redious Academy, my mother died she got slayed by a demon angel. I have never liked Demon angel's since they killed my mother,but that's not the only reason, I just have never like them because they never like me. When I got back to my dorm room, I sat down on my red and black covered bed, with a sigh I looked at my scythe, It was given to me by my father, I had always wanted to use it but I haven't got the chance, but I would, I would get to use it tomorrow, when I get to spar with a demon angel, I smirked at the thought of slicing that Demon angel begging for mercy. My clock red 10:00pm it was lights out, till tomorrow, as I drift off to sleep, I imagine the Demon Angel lying on the mat, begging for its life.
The next morning got ready for my spar with the Demon Angel , I didn't know his name but what I did know was that I was gonna win, my dad had trained me well, even better than him. I walked a crossed the quad to the gym, when I entered I saw four guys, I took a deep breath in,Demon Angel's , I could smell them, I sighed and swung my scythe to get a feel for it. The weapon was long,sharp, and dangerous, the four Demon Angels turned around when my scythe let out a blood churning scream as I turned it fast, A smirk spread a crossed the palest one, he was tall, skinny, but strong, his black and dark blue hair stopped at the middle of his neck, his chin was sharp, and he had a killer smile. I rolled my eyes and with one last twirl I slammed my scythe it into the gym floor, the ground shook, but it soon leveled out. My eyes showed hunger and rage as I look at them, the Demon Angel who smiled at me looked at his friends and nodded, they stepped back their eyes never leaving me, they stood over by the weapons, I snorted and focused on the Demon Angel in front of me, "You must be Ash Demtri Raven " the Demon Angel said to me, "Well I am Shadow Gage Coffin" he finished, a bit of pride flashed in his intense pale grey eyes. "Let's just get this over with you bloody Demon Angel " I spat swinging my scythe, a grim smirk spread a crossed his face as he pulled out a solid black dragon spine whip, he cracked it with a smiled, "And may the games begin" he said in a spine chilling tone.
He launches himself at me, I roll my eyes and caught him by the neck, I flicked my arm and threw him against the wall, he got up with a grunt "not bad, girly" he mocked, I swung my scythe at him, slicing his chest, he jumped back and hissed , he cracked his whip it slapped me a crossed the face,it stung and bled as I growled and charge at him. I get four more slashes on him before he pulls some crazy move, he twirled around cracking his whip around my waist, he yanked on it hard the claws dug into my pale white skin. I fall to the ground, my scythe kicked a crossed the room as the Demon Angel lifted my head and held a dagger to my throat "your dead " he said in a smug voice, I close my eyes waiting for the piercing pain to hit, but it doesn't, there was a high pitched wail "Enough " a man with a British ascent said, I open my eyes as the Demon Angel move to crouch in front of me "still alive princess?" He asked looking at me then the man walking over to us, I spat blood onto the floor "be glad you are " I say as the man approaches me, "back" he said, shadow slowly back away with his head hung, the strange man crouched down to me, he put his hands on mine and a great, strong tingling started to surge through me, he was healing me.
Shadow watched me with intense, worried eyes, his friends did the same, once the man was finished I stood up and called my scythe, which was in my hand within seconds, I turn my gaze from shadow to the strange man "who are you ?" I ask my voice shaky, at the sound of my voice, shadow stepped forward his grip tightened on the whip, his eyes glowed , the man smiled "I am here on terms of your father, my name is James Fenix Grand " he said holding out his hand, I looked at him "my father?" I said paying no attention to his out stretched hand, James pulled back his hand "yes your father, he wanted me to watch over you, here at the academy" James said, I snorted and nodded "ok, well, did you have to interrupted me " I ask sarcastically, James nodded "I did and I will wait for you out side" James said turning on his heels and walking outside, I sighed and looked at shadow and his friends, shadow stepped to me "Meet me here tonight, don't bring that thing with you" he said in a low voice, I nodded "and don't bring your pets " I whispered nodding to the other three Demon Angel's, shadow smiled and nodded "can't wait " he said turning to his friends they nodded and walked out the door, shadow looked back at me, longing flashed in his eyes, before he followed them out the door.
I walked back to my dorm, it was around 4pm, James followed me "don't you have classes ?" He asked, I shook my head "no, the teachers are attending meetings for six months " I say opening the door to my room, I walk in James following behind "oh I see " he said sitting at my desk, I shut the door behind me "so how is my father doing ?" I ask cracking open a can of A- blood, I sit on my bed and take a sip, James winced "well he is doing fine, still trying to clean things up" James said, I nod understanding what James meant. That night after James had said his goodbyes and left my room, I grabbed my scythe, I ran a crossed the quad and into the dark gym I, walked around, "wow, you came " shadow whispered in my ear, I smiled "yea I did, so are we gonna finish what we started ?" I ask, a breeze whipped my face as his eyes flashed in the darkness in front of me "no, I was hoping I could talk to you " he said. I look into his direction "really ?, sure " I said surprised at his remark, I felt his hand searched for mine, when he found it he led me to one of the mats, we sat down a crossed from each other "could you put that away " he said in a soft tone, I frowned in the darkness but then knew what he was talking about, I laid my scythe down, I could hear the relief in his body as he relaxed, "so what do you wanna know shadow?" I ask him, shadow sighed "well,when me and my friends saw you walking into the academy on your first day here, we saw your scyth and well you,we knew that you were the fifth member of our group, so we then decided what we were going to test you on, Vexion sujeststed combat, so I wrote you that letter and had you meet us here. " shadow said, I frowned "why didn't you j -
It's comin in parts sorry
I walked back to my dorm, it was around 4pm, James followed me "don't you have classes ?" He asked, I shook my head "no, the teachers are attending meetings for six months " I say opening the door to my room, I walk in James following behind "oh I see " he said sitting at my desk, I shut the door behind me "so how is my father doing ?" I ask cracking open a can of A- blood, I sit on my bed and take a sip, James winced "well he is doing fine, still trying to clean things up" James said, I nod understanding what James meant. That night after James had said his goodbyes and left my room, I grabbed my scythe, I ran a crossed the quad and into the dark gym I, walked around, "wow, you came " shadow whispered in my ear, I smiled "yea I did, so are we gonna finish what we started ?" I ask, a breeze whipped my face as his eyes flashed in the darkness in front of me "no, I was hoping I could talk to you " he said. I look into his direction "really ?, sure " I said surprised at his remark, I felt his hand searched for mine, when he found it he led me to one of the mats, we sat down a crossed from each other "could you put that away " he said in a soft tone, I frowned in the darkness but then knew what he was talking about, I laid my scythe down, I could hear the relief in his body as he relaxed, "so what do you wanna know shadow?" I ask him, shadow sighed "well,when me and my friends saw you walking into the academy on your first day here, we saw your scyth and well you,we knew that you were the fifth member of our group, so we then decided what we were going to test you on, Vexion sujeststed combat, so I wrote you that letter and had you meet us here. " shadow said, I frowned "why didn't you just walk up and ask me ?" I said looking at him, shadow smiled "we didn't want to be killed by your father " he said, I smiled "well, yea good point " I said, shadow chuckled , a chill went through me, "well, will you be the fifth member ?" He asked, wonder filled his voice, thinking for a second I nodded "yea, sure " I say standing up "good, let me walk you back to your room " shadow said, I nod my body felt numb, shadow picked me up and then everything went black but just before, I herd him say "good night my Ash ".
A month later
My head wiped back and forth as I mumble in my sleep, I shot up breathing hard, my hair stuck to my neck, a cold hand brushed my cheek, I jumped, "Ash?" I herd a soft voice, I pressed my cheek into the hand, I knew that voice anywhere, it was my protector and boyfriend Shadow Gage Coffin "shadow " I breathed, shadow wrapped his arms around me and held me to him "it was just a dream " he whispered to me, he stroked my hair back, I settled my head on his shoulder "I know it's just it seemed so real" I murmured in his ear, shadow nodded "I know " he said, I looked at him "what time is it ?" I ask, shadow smiled "10:45am " he said looking at me, his eyes concerned, I sighed "today's the day" I said rubbing my eyes with my palms. Shadow kissed my cheek " it is, but everything will be ok " he said, there was a knock at my door, shadow looked at the door and sighed he hid in the closet, sighing I sat up "come in" I said, James stepped into the room "good morning " he said closing the door behind him "Mr. Coffin, you do not have to hide " James said looking at the closet, Shadow stepped out but didn't move any further, his eyes searched the room "he's not here yet " I say, James sighed "not yet, but soon will be" James said looking at me "you must be ready, your father is expecting you too be as proper as ever" he said, shadow snorted "what's that supposed to mean ?" he said, his eyes grew ferce as his whip appeared in his hand, I jump in "what he means is that I have to be dressed properly, in uniform" I say standing up and walking to my dresser, I pulled out a red blouse and black pants, I throw them on the bed "so, how long do we have ?" I ask James, I look at shadow, who at this point is backed up to the closet door, his body stiff and sharp, his facial expression was unreadable, James sighed "three days" he said, shadow closed his eyes. -
"Three days?,counting today ?" questions filled my mind, I wanted to scream at him, beat something, three days wasn't long enough and I knew what was coming. I felt shadows hands on my shoulders messaging me to clam down, but I was far from calm, "yes three days, counting today" James said looking at me, my face was blank "get out " I whispered to James, he nodded he opened the door and looked back "Be ready Ms. Raven, for your father isn't here to talk to you, it will end in someone dying ." He said before walking out the door, at his words my breath caught, death, someone was going to die, who?,why?. More questions rattled through my mind, shadow interrupted my thoughts "we have to leave " he whispered in my ear, my body went numb "we can't " I said pulling away from him "my dad will do anything to hunt us down if we run" I say plopping down on my bed, I put my head in my hands. Shadow knelt down in front of me "do you wish me to leave ?" He asked, his head down as if to show pain, his shoulders hung low, surprised at his question, I grabbed his hand " I don't think I could do this without you" I say, Shadow chuckled "we must train, three days dosent give us much to work with" he said looking into my eyes "nothing is going to happen to you, I won't let anything happen to you, I promise " he said putting a piece of hair behind my ear. Smiling I nodded "so what's first ?" I ask, ready to start training. Shadow smiled "let's go " he said. We walked acrossed the quad and into the gym,were his three Demon Angel friend's were waiting.
Vexion,Shade, and Jace walked over to us "so what's the big problem?" Vexion asked, Shade and Jace nodded. I looked at shadow, he looked at the guys "something's coming, something big." They nodded, "We are going to do everything in our power and more, to keep her and everyone at Redious Academy safe, now we have three days to prepair" he finished, he stood tall, his body language clear, he was determined to just what he said. "So what's coming ?" Shade asked, I turned my gaze on them "my father, he won't be alone. He is going to try to kill us, but we won't let that happen" I say, my voice casting a eco around the gym, Shadow nodded and looked at them "Okay Vexion you stay here Shade and Jace, go do your thing " Shadow said smiling. Shade looked at Jace they hooted and ran out of the gym, Vexion looked at me "let's see what you can do princess " he said, shadow walked back "get him " he whispered, I smerked and tackled Vexion to the ground, he grunted and threw me into the wall. I hit the wall with a crunch, my spine cracked, I let out a blood crying scream. Vexion and Shadow ran over, Puting his hands on my cheeks, Vexion looked deep into my eyes, a hard vibration fromed through out my body, he gaze remained hard and solid as he let his magic run through me, I begain to feel another, more stronger vibration, Shadow's gaze was bright, his vibration was warm, and strong. I arched my back as my spine relined, I gasped as my air way cleared, I could breath. Vexion stood and walked way, but shadow's gaze stayed, he pulled me into his lap, I rested my head on his shoulder as he rubbed my back, Vexion looked at me "why?" He said is voice rough, I frowned "what?", Shadow looked at him "Vexion, don't, not right now" he said, Vexion let out a bitter laugh. -
Well, I suppose we all have to start somewhere. At least you can say you've written more than someone who's never tried.
So let's go over grammar rules first. I'll get to content later, if at all.
The very first thing I notice, in the first sentence of your writing, is the sentence structure. It's not right. It's hard to explain, but it doesn't have any flow to it. If it were a ball, it would be covered in edges. And I think this stems from a variety of problems. Sentences need to relate to each other in some way, or else they become hard to follow. How does the ticking of the clock relate to the character's location in the library? It doesn't, so the two should be separate sentences. And if two sentences do relate to each other, you need to use a semicolon (;) instead of a comma, like you've been doing. You can have a long sentence, but the sentence itself needs to stick to one point before moving to another one via punctuation.
Which is another reason why your sentence structure is lacking. You either don't use the right punctuation, don't use enough punctuation, or use too little punctuation. I'd recommend reading up on them online somewhere, here's a quick refresher for you free of charge. ( Of course, this won't help you much with using too many commas, which you'll need to take care of on your own. As a general rule, if you can remove a comma and the sentence remains exactly the same, do it.
Finally, your sentences drag on and on. Your first paragraph is literally five sentences. Shorter is better. (Most of the time, ideally you want a healthy mix of both with short making up the majority.) Add a lot more periods, cut out what you don't need and shorten what you do. This will also help with your comma problem, since you seem to think the two are interchangeable.
Oh, and always end your sentences appropriately. Otherwise you end up with sentence fragments that slow down the reader and don't really go anywhere because you never finished closing them. Here's a place you can read a little more about sentence fragments. (
Moving on from that, let's go to grammar rules. We'll go fast and quick.
Every time someone speaks they get a new line. No exceptions. (This is to make the writing easier to read and less of a block to stare at.)
Spelling is important, get a spell checker and a proof reader. No one wants you to look stupid by not knowing the difference between your and you're. (For reference, your is for possession and represents someone owning something. You're is an abbreviation of you are and should only be used as such.)
Stick to a tense. A tense is the frame of voice being used to convey the story. If the story is told in present tense than you say 'I nod' and 'I laugh' because you are using present conjugation. If the story is told in past tense than you say 'I nodded' and 'I laughed' because you are using past conjugation. It doesn't matter which one you use, but you MUST BE CONSISTENT! If the story is told in past tense, you cannot slip into present tense and vise versa. The tense must stay the same throughout the whole story.
When writing dialogue, you don't need to keep going 'he said, she said.' The dialogue can stand on its own and it's generally assumed the reader can keep track of who's talking. The trick is to pepper dialogue with speech tags instead of drenching dialogue in it.
Getting into more advanced stuff here, you better be sitting down!
Exposition dumps are bad. They're boring to read, they take up too much time, they're never important to the plot or the story and generally take the reader out of any immersion they had. For an example of this, look at the entirety of paragraph two. Don't have the character tell us out of the blue that he lives at so and so and hates Demon Angels (an oxymoron by definition, by the way), it doesn't matter. Find ways to introduce this knowledge into the story naturally or don't introduce it at all. Everything we know about the setting must be discovered through the story. Have Grimdark Reaperbane reveal his hatred of Demon Angels through his actions, or dialogue with others, or even a god damn flashback. I'd accept him ranting about how Demon Angels are going to take his job and how they need to build a wall to keep them out, for f---s sake. The point is, never introduce important world building out of the blue. Always give it a reason for being there.
Next up is the tricky thing I call 'Showing and not Telling.' This ties into the point above but is distinct enough to earn its own point. Don't tell us that something is happening. It's boring to read. Instead, show it happening in real time. Instead of going 'BloodBlossom SwampWillow prepared for his sparing session,' show us him preparing for his sparing session. Describe what that entails. Is he cleaning his weapon? Putting on armour? Oiling up his chest? Maybe he got a little cheeky and towel whipped one of the other freaks. Seeing something happen in real time is infinitly more interesting than having someone tell us it happened after the fact.
(Of course, these are both very complicated. Right now, you should only focus on the first points until you develop your skills a little more.)
(Personal bonus peeve! Never describe a time skip with 'one month later.' Do you have no imagination? Can you not describe the passing of time? With its setting sun, daily grind, or changing weather? Get interesting, for crying out loud.)
Content wise it's fairly generic, but I'm getting a Percy Jackson vibe from it, so I assume that's what you were going for.
Just, please proof read it next time. There was so many small errors I barely finished it.
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