Dimensions united
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:33pm
Thread Topic: Dimensions united
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Chapter #1
Being invisible
Have you ever felt lame and un popular? Well a sometimes it isn't a bad thing! Sometimes it's a blessing and is quite helpful! Niki was a middle schooler at the age of 14! She was very smart, yet people never noticed her! She was like a shadow...mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood! She has to be so unknown In the world. -
...is that it?
You realize chapters consist of more than a single paragraph, right? You...you have read a book before, right? Like, an actual one you find in a library and not one you steal from the crazy hobo down the street about how the reptilians stole his twin brother and replaced him with a robot that looks exactly the same as his brother? I mean, this is just short.
And hell, if you're going to make your chapter a single paragraph, could you at least take five f---ing seconds to proof read it? Why is there a space in unpopular? The second f---ing sentence makes no sense! Why does every sentence end with an exclamation mark? (Rule of thumb, one exclamation mark a chapter. The audience should know how your character is reacting from the character's actions and words.) The fourth sentence makes no sense as well; how is a shadow mistreated? How does one misplace a shadow? Who the f--- misunderstands a shadow? A better analogy would be a beaten dog. That fits all the requirements. And the last sentence makes no sense either.
Paying attention? You took a minute to write seven sentences, and three of them make no sense. Arguably four. That's over 50%.
And don't get me started on the quality. Here's an idea, instead of telling me Niki is a smart kid, how about you write two more paragraphs (you lazy ass) and show her actually being a smart kid? You know, like every book ever written? Lord of the Rings didn't start with 'Here's Frodo, he's a brave hobbit, he went to Mordor and destroyed the One Ring.' No, the books showed him being brave, and going to Mordor and being a hero.
Show, don't tell, for Christ's sake.
All in all, 1/10. See me after class. -
No not it she's hi had to stop because we were going to the movies! So I pressed submit just to get something going!)
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