Nine Lives and Counting Down.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:32pm
Thread Topic: Nine Lives and Counting Down.
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People only had one life. One soul to grasp and lavish with until the time where Death's unruling arms takes you away into the pits of the never ending lives that once were flourish and lively. That never stopped people from doing wild and rambunctious things even if they were putting their life at risk but judging by the emotions and fears that show from their eyes they are afraid to die and escape cruel reality. Me, however, I had the desire to decease which caused crucial creases of eyebrows and assumptions of a possible mental illness. I wasn't depressed or suicidal, I was born with 9 lives and there was no way I could immediately die because my life would restart until I was left with one single life. My journey or my mission was to waste all of these lives to finally experience the seemingly griefing situation of death because 9 lifes of immortality is a petrifing curse like Satan had just blessed you and it's not all fun and games.
GAH I HATE WRITING I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE -
Nah, all fine, Boss. We all start somewhere. Like a great man once said, sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something. And being sorta good at something helps get you laid. Just ask Poe.
Anyway, lemme help you out a little.
1. Proofreading is important. Always do it. Small grammatical mistakes are your biggest problem so far, and proofreading will help you iron them out. 'Unruling arms takes' should be 'unruling arms take.' 'Lifes' should be 'lives.' Nine should also be spelled out instead of numerical. You also need to work on your commas and colons. If a sentence is too long, you probably need to insert a comma somewhere into it.
2. Vocabulary is something I'd work on too. At times, it reads like you were trapped by an incomplete word base. Using lively to describe someones life, for example. Crucial creases is another. What is a crucial crease? How is it different from a concerned crease, or a worried crease, or an irritated crease? I'm sure unruling isn't a word. Unruly is, but that wouldn't fit the context.
3. Your prose is also overly complicated, but that's a legitimate writing style, so feel free to ignore this third point. I just feel that if you're going to be overly verbose, you need to make sure your word choice is appropriate, which ties into point two. Simply adding long or obscure words doesn't make you a better writer, the words themselves need to fit the tone or context. Crucial creases is a good example of this. -
Thanks for the helpful criticism. :P
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