For the love of sweets.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:31pm
Thread Topic: For the love of sweets.
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I swear, this is nothing like confection girls.
Lolly's POV:
I sit on the cabin floor. Today is the last day of camp. Oh, and my name's Princess Lolliana Pop. But here, people call me Lolly. Actually, my friends have new names here too. I finish packing up my suitcase, the pink one with lollipops on it. Conection. You probably have already figured this out, but I'm the princess of lollipops. My two best friends are princess's too! There are three castles in Sugarland. The chocolate castle, the gumdrop castle, and the lollipop castle. We haven't been home in almost a year, but to everyone else we've always been here. Rather than reveal our secret, we decided it better to brainwash everybody. Even families. Well, everybody eccept for Sofia. For some wild reason, it didn't work on her. So she came to us with questions. Why we showed up in the fith grade, why everybody knew us, why she had no idea we existed but people said we had gotten along. So we had to tell her. But it all worjed out. Our secret is safe. The counsoulers come tell us it's time to go, so we drag our suit cases to to bus stop. The four of us sit, and soon the bus comes. I put my suitcase in the luggege hold, then sit next to Coco. She shows me her hand, which conceals four peices of the brown rubber from the climbing room. In her hand, they turn to chocolate, and she gives two back to Sofia and Gummy. Mmm... home-made chocolate. -
I already have obesity thanks to Confection Girls, I don't need stage 4 diabetes.
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XD HAHAHA!
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You laughed at my joke. Just for that, I'll read this.
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If you want feed-back from me, post in Library.
Oh, wait. This is The Library.
Want feed-back or nah? -
Sure. I'm bored, and really need something to take my mind off of eating candy. Also, I wrote this in like fith grade, so the characters are about to enter sixth grade.
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*relizes this peice sucks* I spelled worked with a j, not a k...
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Take your mind off of eating candy? Unless it's from a guy in a white van, I say do not take your mind off of eating candy.
Any-ways.
The thing I don't like about the story, is how you take breaks to describe the setting. Unless this is in third person and used more as a description for the story, it looks, generally, really tacky.
"I sit on the cabin floor. Today is the last day of camp. Oh, and my name's Princess Lolliana Pop."
While it's fine and dandy and sh3t to break the story down and describe the setting, it's certainly not flowing in-to the story naturally. Instead, try to create an event where it'd be uncommon for her not to describe the setting and say her name. Such as her looking over the beautiful city and then a butler coming in, addressing her by her real name.
"I finish packing up my suitcase, the pink one with lollipops on it. Conection. You probably have already figured this out, but I'm the princess of lollipops." Writing in first person... Unless you're really skilled, it's just generally not good for fiction. Even I sound cheesy when I do it. Rather, write this in third person. There are 3 types of TPV (Third Person View), but omniscient is much easier to work with. You could also do SPV (Second Person View), but that usually only works well for interactives.
"The counsoulers come tell us it's time to go, so we drag our suit cases to to bus stop. The four of us sit, and soon the bus comes." This sentence... I just feel like there's some-thing wrong with it, but I dun know what. Oh, the lack of description and FPV (First Person View). As they say, show, don't tell. Instead of saying they sat and soon the bus came, tell how they passed the time, how they felt about leaving, and the sounds the bus made. And switch to TPV.
Also, one last thing. Check for grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistakes. There are many in this wall 'o text and it makes the reader less interested as their hope for the story slowly drains. And about it being a wall 'o text. I think you could've separated this in-to about 3 paragraphs, at-least 2.
Other than that, it's good. -
Thanks for the input.
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No prob.
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Coco's POV
The busride was so, so, so, sooooo torture! Lolly got sick and almost spewed sugar everywear! Thankfully, she got to the bathroom in time. Sometimes I cant belive how easily she adjusted. I mean, Gummy and I always slip up and use 'candy slang', but Lolly never really has. When the bus finally took us home, I went straight to the shower. I'll let you in on a secret: I found a way to make it a sugar-shower. I sit on my bed. My comfoter is big, fluffy, and chocolate brown. I open up my laptop, it's a carmel-apple. I can actually contact people in Sugarland, but only for two or three nights a month. I still haven't told the others, but I should. Maybe then they'd know why I'm so dramatic. I check my inbox, and sure enough I have a sweetmail. It's from Mom and Dad. It reads: Chocoletta(oh yeah, that's my full name, btw), your father and I hope your time has gone pleasently. Please inform your friends that the three regions have merged for the time being, and are trying hard to bring you back. Of course my Mom's all formal. I'm dissapointed as I scroll down, then something catches my eye: Coco, we love you very much, and I speak forboth of us when I say we will not stop until you're home. Love, Mom. "Mom," I mutter. It's been so long since I've heard that name. Usually it's signed Queen Chocatta Bean, as if I've never met my mom. I hear a door creak open, and Karen steps in.
"Honey, your friend is here." I close my laptop. I expect Lolly or Sofia to step in, but it's gummy.
"I... I wanna go..." She stops, then whispers, "Home."
"I do too." We spend the night sitting on my bed in tears, staying up past midnight. -
Can't people make their own goddamn ideas?
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Hey, immitation's the sincerest form of flattery. Also, different storyline, different world, different situations.
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"Can't people make their own goddamn ideas?"
This is coming from the same person that spent countless days complaining about how she wanted to be on top. She wanted people to look to her for ideas and advice and to talk. That's all she ever said for a good week, and now that it's finally happening, she's STILL complaining.
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