The Hunters.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:27pm
Thread Topic: The Hunters.
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MysticChick NoviceI made the first part in my story that's called The Hunters, and I was wondering if you all would take it and tell me what you thought? Thank you.
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MysticChick NovicePart 2 is out.
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MysticChick NoviceWould anyone mind taking this? I could really need the feedback-good or bad. Thank you.
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IHLAOY NewbieAlright, I'll take a look at it for you. Understand though that it's been a while since I last reviewed something, so some of my terminology might be a little incorrect.
First thing I can see is going to be a problem is the pacing, and tension. Pacing is very important, it can literally make or break a story. The first paragraph of the story is the most important one in the book, it is the one you're going to use to draw the audience in. So when you start a story with a page of exposition, you destroy any interest and pacing the story the might have had. The audience isn't stupid, you need to let them realize that sort of context on their own.
That said, starting the novel with them hunting a troll (how does a troll get or even use a poisoned knife) is a rather good idea. You can start with a bit of action, raise a few questions and get the audience hooked. Which is what you should have done instead of spouting exposition and one-shooting the troll. Give us tension, get us a reason to root for your characters, give us mystery.
That's not to say you can't exposition, don't get me wrong, but there is a time and a place, and you need to make sure the exposition makes sense in CONTEXT.
Another thing I'm putting here since it has no better place, stick to one viewpoint. If you switch between things that are happening to Kyle, and things that are happening to the other one, it makes the entire story very confusing. Stick to one of them.
(Don't mention eye colour. Just don't do it, it's a bad can of worms and a habit you should kick as soon as possible. Unless it's related to the story, rely on simple descriptions and personality to carry a character. And this expands to clothing. Unless it's important to know what the character is wearing, DON'T MENTION IT. Especially in detail.)
Moving on, I'd like to take a second to talk about the plot. Now, usually I do this by pointing out every plot hole you made; and I will get around to that, but there's something else I'd like to focus on first. And that's the simple question of story.
What kind of story are you trying to tell? Is it a high-school drama story with magical elements? Then focus on the highschool. Is it a World of Darkness-style horror story? Then focus on the horror. Is it a 'magic-investigator' story where the characters hunt the monster of the week? Than focus on the monster of the week.
You need to decide where you're going to focus this story, or else it'll just be a tangled mess of plots and characters that have little to do with each-other and all revolve around the main character.
Now, onto the plot holes. Why a crossbow? Where does one even get a crossbow without looking suspicious? Why not simply use a gun? How don't the police notice the dead bodies of trolls, vampires, etc? Do they not investigate the murders? Do you know how hard it is to remove an arrow without breaking it? Arrows are designed to NOT BE REMOVED, because removing them makes them less deadly. And that doesn't matter, because a crossbow uses BOLTS, which are completely different. Why do the two characters move around a lot if they live with their foster parents? Do the foster parents move? Why do both sets of parents move at the same time, to the same place? Why do the two main characters have roles at all? Is it to find out about monsters in the town? Couldn't they do that just as effectively from only one point of view? Why is it important to remain undercover? Isn't something like that outside of the control of a group of teenagers? You need birth certificates, identification, sources; where are they getting all these from? Remaining undercover requires more work than simply giving a false name and hoping for the best. And finally, why were the two of them placed in foster care instead of becoming the responsibility of the next of kin? Is the next of kin unable to care for them?
Now that that's done, we can move onto characters. Or, lack of character, really it can go either way. Skylar, Kyle, Chloe; these three are the main ones you're focusing on, yes? Then you need to actually give them character, not cliches.
Skylar is the main character, so she's independent and loves the love interest. She's also funny and talented and super smart and...and...and... Give us some flaws. What CAN'T Skylar do? Is she scared of rats? Does she suffer from chronic flatulence? Can she only fight if she has access to middle age weaponry? Give us flaws and doubts so we can RELATE to Skylar, instead of having her be this suave, confident lady who don't need no man, but has on anyway.
Kyle is the love interest, so he has no character outside looking good and flirting with Skylar. Give him some goals, that don't have to do with Skylar or killing monsters. Make him a character outside of being eye candy. Give him unpopular opinions and problems HE needs to overcome. We don't need another Edward Cullen.
And finally, Chloe is the rival, so she's going to be devoted entirely to making Skylar's life hell. Forget giving her anything else, blind hate is the surest way to make a good character (sarcasm.). Give Chloe a reason to actually be in the story, instead of just being a cheap obstacle for Skylar to overcome. Make her smart, make her funny, make the audience love her, make the audience sympathize with her (WITHOUT JUST SAYING 'LULZ SHE'S ABUSED AT HOME' GOD DAMMIT!) and then make her lose, so that Skylar wins.
Finally, and I am just throwing this in and I don't expect you to take it seriously or even understand it, but Show, Don't Tell.
IHLAOY, out. -
MysticChick NoviceThank you. Just two questions though: what do you mean about sticking to one viewpoint (point of view, or backstory)? Because I've only stayed in Skylar's point of view. And then what do you mean by not having another Edward Cullen? Because I'm assuming he's that vampire from Twilight, and I've never read hose books, or seen those movies, so I don't know how he acts.
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IHLAOY NewbieAh, no problem.
The one viewpoint comment mainly stems from the fact that, in question 6, where Kyle and Chloe chat with each other. I understand that Sky is supposed to be eavesdropping, but that's not mentioned in the scene at all, which confused me as to what was happening. I thought we were going to start focusing on Kyle and Chloe for the rest of the book, and that was a mistake. I apologize.
And by Edward Cullen, I mean we don't need a character who exists purely for the main character to fawn over. Edward is the character from Twilight, and doesn't really DO anything that doesn't relate to Bella, which is a bad thing. It's fine to have the two of them be friends, even boyfriend/girlfriend, but you need to make sure that Kyle does more than simply stand there and congratulate Sky on her heroics, like he does in 1. and 8.
Any more questions I can answer for you? -
MysticChick NoviceOh, gotcha. I will not make another Edward Cullen. I wasn't planning on having his just be there for Skylar either.
No, I think that's it. Thanks once again.
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