This, right here, is my ALA story.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:27pm
Thread Topic: This, right here, is my ALA story.
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Rain
ALA5
Story of Suspense
ANY LAST WORDS?
I awaken to the sound of leaves crunching under my body. I do not recall how I ended up here. The grass is still dewy from the morning, and its soaking through my tee shirt a bit, causing me to slightly shiver. I cautiously push myself to a sitting position, suddenly feeling a sharp pain in my back. Letting out a slight groan, I attempt standing, coming to no avail. I search the back of my jeans for my pocket knife. Thankfully, it is in the same place I left it. Sighing, I squint, taking into account the setting. This place seems so familiar, like I have seen it so many times, but just cant put my finger on the exact location.
The oranges, reds, and yellows of the autumn leaves seem so tender and comforting. For some reason, I cannot bring myself to enjoy the view. Something in the back of my mind is buzzing, and I slowly begin to regain memory of how I have arrived here. Unfortunately, the recollections are not pleasant, and Im still dumbfounded as to how everything had to end up this way; terrifying, unfair, and just horrible.
My heart was pounding, and Bentley took a step forward, taking me in a tight embrace. I smiled, but proceeded to push him back, poking him playfully. We had been standing in front of the school, discussing our plans for later. The first clue that the night would not go as planned was that Bentley seemed far less enthusiastic than the previous days. I decided not to think much of it, and to not dwell on the situation.
Ryder, Ill see you later on. He ruffled my hair, like he had done so many times before. Little did I know, that would be the last time he would ever do that again.
Later that afternoon, we both sat on the old, run-down bench at Henrisons Park. Wed spent a good chunk of time just sitting in a completely awkward silence. Abruptly, Bentley hugged me like he had done outside the school, patting the back of my head. In all seriousness, it nearly made me jump out of my skin. It was filled with so much sincerity and kindness that speaking was not necessary. I laughed happily, melting into his touch. As we sat there, a clapping was audible incredibly close to us. We jumped away from each other, focusing our attention on the person.
Oh, gosh. The person stared at us disapprovingly, and shook his head. I knew at that moment a look of recognition spread across my face. I bit my lip, realizing that it was Bentleys older brother, Lance. At first, I thought he was making an effort to erase what he had seen. In a matter of seconds, the screaming began. Not long after, accusations were being made.
This kid is your boyfriend? Bentley, thats disgusting! he shrieked.
What? No! Bentley, as fast as the speed of light, got himself away from me, pointing in my direction. Definitely not! Hes been harassing me, and stalking me! He followed me home! Im not like that, Lance! He is! He just wont go away!
Oh, really? Lance glared menacingly, gazing straight into my eyes. I shook my head violently.
No, I swear- It was too late. He pounced on me, pinning me to the ground. He and Bentley took turns punching and kicking and spitting. Everything was turning into a glazed over, distorted mess. Horrifyingly, I could taste blood flooding the inside of my mouth. Within minutes, I was shrouded by a sinister pitch black. My surroundings were not visible, but I could hear muffled words and was capable of feeling my body being dragged away. Sooner or later, that feeling disappeared, and the perception of floating took over. There wasnt any of that light at the end of the tunnel nonsense, either. There was only ominous darkness.
And that is how I have gotten here. I feel betrayed, hurt, and infuriated. He caused all of this, and he is going to pay. With a burst of adrenaline, I stand, storming off to the spot I know hell be. Revenge usually isnt the answer, but in this case, it is. I growl to myself upon noticing the idiot as our oh-so-special spot, his eyes concentrating on the ground as if he is pondering about some stupid topic. Clenching my fists, I stand behind him. As I let out an awful yelp, he lurches forward and falls onto the pavement. I stare down at him.
His eyes quiver with astonishment and terror. He instantly speaks.
Ry-Ryder? B-but, this, this is impossible!
Nothing is impossible, Bentley His mouth is slightly gaping as he begins to move back, and so I take intimidating steps forward. The mood seems to have taken a cliche transformation into a cheesy teen slasher movie.
Ryder...But, but, but, you-youre dead! I scoff. Its amazing how somebody I loved could become the worst human being alive.
Ah, yes, Bentley. You had your chance. You could have stood up for me, stood up for us. My voice is wavering, so I know I must do the unspeakable now. I pull the pocket knife from my back pocket. I expose my weapon.
No, no, no. Ryder, Ryder, Im sorry!
Too late for sorry. I say bluntly. He screeches as I lean over him.
So, Bentley, any last words? I chillingly query.
Ryder, I lo-
I did not allow him to finish, and soon, the whole scene was splattered in red. -
Oh gosh. No quotations>
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IHLAOY NewbieNot even going to bother reading this whole thing.
Between the lack of quotations and the immediate back story dump, I don't think this is going to be worth the read.
Not to mention it just sounds edgy.
Word of advice, stories are more interesting if you reveal a characters past a bit at a time. A phrase here, a sentence there, let the audience piece together what happened to a character. We're not idiots, with the exception of Bananabread, you can trust us to pick up on subtlety.
Also, if you don't have any build up to violence, it just makes everything seem unrealistic and edgy. Violence is a last resort, that's what makes it so delicious when used in a story. It's supposed to show that all other kinds of negotiation have failed. If you just throw it around willy nilly without any concern for realism, the whole story just seems, again, edgy. Violent for violence's sake.
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