Fanfiction Feedback
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:26pm
Thread Topic: Fanfiction Feedback
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I going to make a Mario/Digimon Frontier fanfiction but I'm not sure how I can make a story better? What do I do? There is going to be a second part if anyone is wondering.
It was a lovely summer's day in the capital of the Mushroom Kingdom. The residents of the Toad Town were busy completing their daily schedule and they were talking to each other like good friends. It all seemed so calm. However, for one blonde young girl, this was no picnic.
This story begins with a young girl who seemingly sprinted out of the only hotel in the whole of Toad Town like the speed of light. She wore a pale purple cap, white and purple shoes with long purple stockings and a res shirt with a red vest. She didn't know where her friend J.P. had went but she knew one thing for sure. She had convinced the others to reserve their spots as the last numbers but if she didn't find him in time, all hope would be lost. Zoe took a deep breath and decided to think about where J.P. could've gone. She remembered him looking for other places to eat and dine so she ran towards what seemed to be the nearest restaurant.
Zoe groaned as she slowly walked over to the restaurant. She hated the fact that J.P. was always looking for more pieces of foods to stuff his mouth into and it was now her responsibility to find him. Why couldn't he just keep still in one place? He was like a moving food magnet.
Zoe soon arrived at the restaurant and looked at the notice on their front door.
The Vegetarian Fast-Food Place: Get your healthy take-out right here! Open 8AM-10PM.
Zoe shrugged and walked away from the restaurant. There was no way he could be in there. Although Toad Town was a friendly tourist capital, it was huge and knowing J.P., he could be anywhere. Getting stressed out from the situation, Zoe decided to ask the locals for any clues that might lead her to his friend. She walked towards a group of noisy Toads and proceeded to talk with them.
Um Zoe nervously asked, wondering how she was going to describe J.B., Did you happen to see a um overweight guy with a blue jumpsuit pass by here? I dont know where my friend went.
The Toads quietly mumbled to themselves for seconds before one of them spoke up.
I think I saw him. He was looking for some place where they serve old-fashioned fast food but he somehow had no money. Us Toads had to lend him a few coins so he could eat, the shortest Toad in the group continued, I feel sorry for him, he seems like that guy who cant stop his cravings for food.
He did order a salad earlier on before he threw it away to find some other restaurant.
Wait! the toad responded, Theres only two restaurants in the whole of Toad Town unless you count Miss. Tayce T. house if you give her some cooking ingredients.
Uh-oh this cant be good! Zoe exclaimed, Thanks for your help! Its a nice town!
Zoe immediately ran off, fearing that what they had to do was already going to be failed.
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Zoe decided the first place to search for was Tayce Ts house. She knew that it would be the most obvious and first places that J.P. could go to in Toad Town. She walked and looked through the busy streets of Toad Town for Tayces house and of course, her friend. Zoe had overheard some of the local Toads that her house was surrounded by lovely smells but didnt have enough details to know which street it was on. She had to rely on luck. Zoe sighed and just proceeded to walk towards one of the streets. The first street she walked through was the most widest and popular street of the town. Many Toads were widely spread throughout the street, casually going on with whatever business they had. On the left side of the street stood a couple of different coloured houses alongside a few shops selling various items like badges and clothes. On the right side stood a couple more houses except without the shops there.
It was difficult trying to walk through the overpopulated crowd as well as spot her friend. The more she was looking around for him, the more stressed she got. Eventually, she just decided to look for a nearby shop to clear her mind a little. She walked inside a clothes shop and decided to go ahead and find new clothes for herself that she could buy later on when she had her coins with her. There were all sorts of different types of clothes. The different coloured shirts were neatly hanged on a nearby rack; ordinary brown shoes were on the floor waiting for someone to buy them and jeans were stacked on top of each other like any ordinary shop would.
Is there anything that I can help you with? asked a toad behind Zoe.
No thanks, Zoe immediately replied. She didnt have any money on her so she couldnt buy anything.
Are you sure? the toad asked again with a look of concern on his face.
Actually, Zoe paused for a few seconds before resuming, Have you seen an overweight guy in a blue jumpsuit pass through anywhere?
I dont think an overweight person would want to go to a clothes shop so unfortunately not. the toad sadly replied, Is there anything else I can help you with?
Nothing, thanks for trying though. Zoe muttered with a sad look on her face. She walked out of the store and proceeded to keep walking down the street. The street was still fairly populated but has died down a little making it easier for Zoe to find him. She continued to walk down slowly, keeping her eyes alert for J.P. just in case. She soon reached the end of street and she ended up in the main central area of Toad Town. Disappointed with her results, she walked through a different street to try again. The second street she walked through was a tad different to the populated street that she first went. First of, there were only a few toads alongside other species of goombas and koopas. The houses in the street were also unique in appearance; no-two houses didnt look similar and there were no stores open. It was purely a residential street.
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Zoe sighed and took a deep breath before she walked back to the main central area. The sun was setting and she had checked every street in Toad Town and it was always the same result: J.P. wasnt there. Zoe decided to just give it up and go back to the hotel where the others were waiting. She walked back down the street that she came from and decided to collect her thoughts and think about the places she hadnt checked yet. It was then she realized that she hadnt checked the restaurant that she ate in at lunch. Zoe face-palmed as she ran towards the restaurant.
Within a few minutes, she eventually reached the restaurant and saw J.P. standing near the front door as if he was waiting for someone. Zoe walked straight to J.P. with a hint of anger in her eyes. J.P. quickly noticed her and quickly ran to her oblivious to the fact that she was angry.
Is that you Zoe?
Where were you? Zoe asked ignoring the question he asked.
I was trying to find somewhere to eat and I got lost, J.P. explained, Did I miss anything important?
Yes! snapped Zoe, You got me worried!
I was hungry! J.P. raised his voice, The place here doesnt have any good food!
Well, thats your fault! You shouldnt just walk off when you dont know the place!
I couldve died!
Youre so dramatic! Lets just go to the hotel. Youre getting on my nerves!
J.P. didnt say anything and instead followed Joe back to the hotel.
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