1. What is your age? Under 18 Years Old 18 to 24 Years Old 25 to 30 Years Old 31 to 40 Years Old 41 to 50 Years Old 51 to 60 Years Old Over 60 Years Old 2. What is your gender? Male Female 3. How do you feel about vodka? Never tried it - I'm not into the hard stuff. I've had it once or twice in mixed drinks. Tried it, didn't like it. I like a cold shot, with a chaser. I'll drink it in any form, as long as I'm with friends and somebody remembered to bring the herring and black bread. Wanna split a bottle with me? There's a kiosk right here. 4. What do you do when you pass a stranger on the street? Smile, and say hello. Nod pleasantly but indifferently. What? Who? Look the other way so you don't have to interact. Glare menacingly. You can never be too careful with strangers Look at their shoes - it might be a foreigner. 5. Gorbachev? The greatest man of the 20th century, who single-handedly ended the Cold War. The guy with the spot on his head. Did he come do a talk in my town last year? He made some mistakes, but the Soviet Collapse was inevitable, and at least he avoided World War III. There had to have been a better way - he was a mealy-mouthed nonentity, and made things worse. That man is responsible for the mess we're in now. !#$%$#@%^@$%&@$^&#$%#!!!! 6. What was World War II all about? Ridding the world of pinko scum. The fight against Naziism. Or was it Communism? Both? Putting an end to the Holocaust. The Western world had to compromise by working with Stalin, but the ends justified the means. An complex international cataclysm with its origins all the way back in World War I. A PR campaign won by the Anglo-Americans while the Russians fought the real war and did all the suffering and dying. A secret Western plot to destroy the Soviet Union. The Allies and Germany were secretly working together, but Comrade Stalin and the great Soviet people triumphed in the end, which just goes to show how the Americans are a bunch of weaklings. 7. When you see an old lady on the subway platform, what goes through your head? What is an old lady doing taking public transportation? Maybe I should help her get onto the train - it's crowded here. What old lady? I should ask her for directions. I'll stand behind her, because I know she'll clear a path into the train, and I can slip in on her slipstream. Back off. Her purse is a weapon and she's just waiting to use it. 8. How do you feel about gelatin? Oh! I haven't thought about jello since I was a kid. I prefer it green, with suspended fruit and marshmallows. Do you know what that stuff is really made out of??? It's the essential ingredient in kholodets. How could you possibly put gelatin with anything but meat? 9. What's cooler? Airplanes Tanks Cars I don't have any vehicle fetishes 10. What do you do when you get stopped by the traffic police? Fold a 50 ruble note and hold it out the window while you slow down (but don't stop) Argue about whether you did anything wrong. Get out your license and registration. Duck. 11. What's the Black Sea Fleet? Come again? It's ours, give it back. It's part of the Ukrainian navy. It's part of the Russian navy. Is there still such a thing? 12. What's the capital of Russia? Moscow St. Petersburg Kyiv Vladimir There are two capitals, really, and one of them has had three names. 13. What's the source of that muzhik smell? What's a muzhik? A smell? Really? I hadn't noticed. It's the combination of body odor, Belomorkanal cigarettes, and cheap vodka. What smell? Hey, want to split a bottle of vodka with me? There's a kiosk right over there. 14. What do you think of your neighbors? I don't know them. I don't bother to think about them. They're decent, regular people. The crazy lady next door is always screaming at her husband, but she's nothing compared to the one across the hall, who yells at us every time we pick up the phone. 15. What do you think about capitalism? Making a profit off other people is wrong and exploitative. It's what makes the world go 'round - what else do you want, socialism?! I'm going to be RICH. Why am I even poorer now than I was in the old days? This means I can put those pretty Visa/Mastercard stickers in the window of bookstore #32, where I work. 16. What about suffering? It makes you a better person in the end. If you don't suffer, you have no soul. I avoid it if I can. I spend my whole live doing everything I can to avoid pain. Suffering IS life. 17. Did you vote in the last national election? Of course. Why bother? I'm not sure how. I'm afraid to. Naturally I voted, but next time I would like to have an actual choice of candidates. 18. What is the most important factor in how you plan your day? Avoiding rush hour on public transportation. It's just work, work, work - what is there to plan? Making sure I have time to stop by the store for fresh bread and bottled water. Personal whim. Getting home in time for favorite TV shows. Getting home in time to do my laundry in the bathtub before going out to a friend's apartment for drinks. It doesn't matter if I show up at work tomorrow with a hangover - everyone else will, too. 19. How many friends do you have? Just a few close friends, and I would do anything for them. Oh, I'm a people person - I just love everyone. I have lots of casual friends; I'm closer to some than to others. I have no friends because they're all spies and saboteurs anyway. You have to be very careful who your friends are. Trust no one unless you've known them at least 15 years. 20. What body part is Winnie-the-Pooh missing? What the...?! Winnie-the-Pooh isn't missing anything. Head Arms Legs Feet What's the difference between legs and feet? 21. Cartoons are __________: Great art, at least in some cases (Ezhik v tumane). Kid stuff. The only thing I watch, except for Tarkovsky films. Commercialized movie tie-ins. The source of all the songs I sing in the shower.